Who is Melgo?

I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I am a daughter, a sister, a friend (not always a good one). I am a Young Women junkie, a dance fanatic, a knowledge seeker. I am a self-analyzer, a pretend chef (when I'm in the mood), kinda messy, kinda lazy. I am a church-goer, a bit judgmental of judgmental people. I'm someone who needs to feel like I'm helping, someone who seeks approval from others, someone who gets anxiety in confrontations, that talks a big talk but doesn't walk the walk. I'm anxious when I talk about my dad, or losing my grandpa, or my mom's re-marriage. Things that hurt, things that were hard cause the beating heart. I don't like to be rebuked, or told what to do, or to disappoint people. I hate to disappoint. I don't like seafood too much, nor snakes or spiders. I enjoy reading but choose to watch mindless tv too much. I try to read the scriptures but don't enjoy them as much as I should. I love honest people, honest things, though I am not always honest. I gossip too much with my mom sisters and try to hard to appear that I don't to other people. I need my mom's approval/attention but pretend I don't. I love my family, I love my little kids. I put them above my husband sometimes and have to remind myself to focus on him. I like to have fun, things have to be fun. Not celebrating milestones or holidays makes me depressed. I have had to lower my expectations of life to help myself maintain a positive attitude. Sounds depressing but its really not- my expectations were way too high, a few hard knocks and reality checks lowered those expectations to a manageable maintenance. I am a night owl, a loud laugher and a sleeper inner. I feel the beat in music and it flows through me ha till I'm locking and popping like a B-girl. I'm a pretend Mexican that loves the culture and feels comfortable being the only white girl in the room. I use fake cuss words way too much but I use lots of positive words too. The world looks bleak and depressing when I am tired and its nothing a little sleep doesn't fix up! I can't stand mean people. I want to change the world. I like to daydream about my next big idea.  I don't like to go unnoticed but I realize that this can be a severe weakness in my quest for humility so I fight against that trait and try to temper myself. I am a problem-solver and can't stand endless complaints. I try to fix others problems even when they don't want me to. I don't hold people accountable for things- I just want to forgive and forget and have everything be ok. I am a forgiving person. I laugh at inappropriate times! I can eat too much often but don't mind working out. I like chocolate slim fast more than most meals I consume. I take things too far to make people laugh. I don't mind being laughed at most the time. I am good at faking it till I make it. I am pretty corny and and don't mind acting like a complete dork- also to get laughs. My embarrassing moments are of public record. I am loyal to my family.

Patience and more...

"The promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain". I feel like this is something to remember.

"Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich." Elder Uchtdorf - April 2010

Patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls. ¹¹  Or, to use another translation of the Greek text, in your patience you win mastery of your souls. ¹²  Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the 
receiving that we grow the most. This was true in the time of the Savior. It is true in our time as well, for we are commanded in these latter days to “continue in patience until ye are perfected.”

1. Delaying immediate gratification for future blessings
2. Reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. 
3. Resisting evil even when it appears to make others rich.
4. Mastering your soul
5. Abiding in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most. 
6. Becoming perfect

When have I been patient? 
-When I have completed a project steadily (whether it be cleaning the house, organizing a room, or a craft for the house) without feeling rush or anxiety to complete it. 
- When I have held my mean tongue to consider my husbands perspective
- When I have taken a deep breath and explained to the kids what they did was wrong rather than yelling at them. 
- When I have held back the hurt I have felt caused from another until I could either get over it, or address it calmly with them. 
- When I have excused myself from my shortcomings and pressed on trying to be better.

When am I impatient?
- driving!
- with myself when I go against what I promised myself I would do (like be on time)
- when I have cussed or let "word vomit" spew from my mouth
- yell at the kids
- hurried Jarom along without appreciating his personality
- when I've let myself get discouraged with how much I have to do, the things I need to change, the house etc... Discouragement is impatience with oneself. Heavenly Father would never want us to be discouraged. Discouragement is a loss of hope, a lack of faith in the future and your ability to improve. Discouragement comes from Satan. A rebuke- yes, a feeling of sorrow at the behavior- yes, a will to change- yes, but complete and utter discouragement- never. 

If nothing else, I can be patient with myself, then add to that my family, and then others and so on... 

A little answer...

I don't know why but I've been feeling kind of out of it and lost lately... I will have a good day or a week of course but the same recurring emptiness and confusion resumes at some point. Perhaps it is especially cumbersome after an event - my mind isn't so distracted so I am able to reflect and feel the depths of it. Its not horrible- I promise.  I just don't feel... clear... I can't keep goals I make for myself, I do subtle self-destructive things for comfort like staying up till 1am every night, watching too much tv and neglecting better activities, not playing with my children as much as I should or focusing on their activities, eating poorly etc etc... we all get in these rutts. I know it will pass. But I write my thoughts down to remember the impression I got  during church and give myself perspective as well as anyone else who may ever read this who is feeling in the same rutt.

Jarom and I got in a little tiff right before church- not really a tiff- just him making an innocent joke, me taking offense, him a little irritated with my sensitivity... you know the same ol'
On my way to church I felt annoyed at my own sensitivity plus annoyed that Jarom just isn't able to give ME what I need. I realized that I have been praying lately to help me with my selfishness. With that realization I realized I again was acting selfishly. Thinking of the things I need and I want and what Jarom isn't giving ME. I drove to Relief Society (we had swapped because Jack was sick) got in and sat down. I saw the lesson was on "You are never alone" and I just knew Heavenly Father was going to speak to me. But I received an impression I didn't expect...

Women shared their very personal experiences on how the Lord has visited them in their afflictions and how they KNEW they weren't alone and the Lord was mindful. Somewhere in the middle of this a quiet impression came that its time. Time to have another baby.

What better way to cure selfishness? It makes sense. I want to of course make this decision with Jarom by my side and he hasn't even heard this from me yet. But I wanted to record how I felt and what I felt was that a new baby would really bless our family. Make us closer... give us perspective... another one to love and care for etc...

I am so grateful for quiet yet distinct impressions and for the Spirit those women broght for me to feel that. I know my rutts will come but if it turns me to the Lord than I know its for good.
'

Turning my heart to my Fathers

I've been reading the Work and the Glory. I can't lie, the idea of plural marriage sickens me. But today I read a story about one of my direct ancestors- Vilate Kimball. It recounted the vision she received when Heber had ALREADY taken on a wife and he was unable to tell Vilate about it. Her vision brought me to tears. The thought of Jarom taking on a wife is like woah too much to bare. But reading of what the early saints went through when this doctrine was taught- I felt better- like they too were disturbed- which they must have been. It all comes down to was Joseph Smith a prophet for all his days on earth? They had such deep-rooted testiomonies to be able to overcome all of their angst, complete depression, bad feelings, etc... (none of the words I can think of accurately describe what they must have gone through) and follow the prophet. Was it a test for the Saints? yes. Was it to build a righteous seed? Probably a good reason. Was it to take care of the women who had no husbands? that too probably. Was it a commandment from God? it must have been if I believe Joseph to be a prophet. So yes. Do I think that we will have to live this way in the next life? Some of us! But I hope not me, I'm not going to lie! But if I really sit and think of what I would do... I would come near to death I'm sure but I think I would do it. I think I would in the end follow the prophet because I know that the church has been restored. That thought makes me happy, that helps me know more than ever that I do know the Church is true. And in saying that- I know that Joseph was and is a prophet of God. This had to have been his worse trial. The sadness I feel comes from the thought of, what am I going to be asked to do in this life? To really test me? What am I going to have to face? The thought will drive me crazy so I just have to keep preparing my life and my Spirit to be able to handle the forces that want to knock me down. I am so grateful for Vilate's strength. Her testimony and actions are so inspiring, they are the one thought I will cling to whenever I am having sick doubts about polygamy and the practice being from God. She is the reason I can overcome that doctrine that is universally disturbing.

A Glimpse

Just to play catch up for 2 seconds- I was recently called to be Young Womens President in my ward. I felt excited and a little overwhelmed at the call and I just want to do a really good job for the girls. I know how important they are and how generations are relying on the choices they are making. I also feel the importance of my job as a mom everyday and I feel like its been slightly on the back burner or only receiving the dredges of me - not my entire heart like it should. I of course am still struggling at times with my mom and Mike and feeling slightly abandoned at times and just angry at some of the changes in my family dynamic, so needless to say- there has been a lot on my mind. I was reading my scriptures and wanted to read on something that would help me so I looked up pride in the institute manual. As soon as my fingers were turning the pages, the word "charity" popped in my head and I knew thats what the Lord wanted me to study. The quote from Marvin J Ashton changed my outlook - just give them the benefit of the doubt. Just Love. Continuing on (and getting to the main point of this entry) I had to give a talk on "kindness". I was grateful for the previous insight and was trying to build on that but I had a horrible week! A week of bitter feelings of not living up to the instruction I received from Heavenly Father and just feeling crummy about myself because of it. I kept trying to pray for the Spirit but I felt like I was unworthy to give this talk as I was not a glowing example. As I was sitting on the couch in our living room (I wasn't praying or anything just kinda sitting there) I felt this overwhelming warmth, almost like I was being given a hug and then I went from complete discouragement to complete encouragement. I truly felt a parental love from Heavenly Father. It was such a cool experience. He knows what I am going through here on earth- I have been abandoned in a lot of ways by dad. And now mom feels a lot more distant which has caused a lot of emotions. But this was it- the feeling of complete acceptance and love that only a parent can give. I am just so grateful. I knew Heavenly Father had forgiven me for messing up on my quest to be kind and give the benefit of the doubt and I knew He wanted me to just keep trying and that He appreciates my effort. What an amazing gift from someone so powerful. I felt a Fathers love. I haven't felt that much in my life up to this point. Now I feel so empowered. Empowered to forget about petty things and JUST LOVE. Of course I am still completely imperfect at it- I've lost my patience with my kids some, argued with Jarom and gave him less than "soft answers", and felt that self-pity that I am trying to overcome when dealing with my mom sometimes. But if I truly put myself last all the time I wouldn't do any of those things. If I truly had Christs love for us in my heart I would be perfect and see others perfectly. Well thats the goal in life- I know it can't be done- the whole perfect thing- and thats why I am so grateful for the Atonement. I really hope I feel that Fatherly love and forgiveness many times throughout my life.

Lean Not Unto Thine Own Understanding

I have had a recent experience with a family member who used to believe as I believe and has decided to leave the church and start a new way of living and understanding. I have had a hard time with this. What is out there that made him change his mind? He tells me how much happier he is, how can this be with what we know? Most importantly, this guy is a very smart dude. How can I be smart and learned, learn secular things and still not fall into traps that take me from the Gospel that I love and the God that I believe in?

Turning to the scriptures is the answer to all of these questions. First I looked up "antichrist" in the Book of Mormon institute manual. There were so many addresses from Prophets and Apostles that pertained to exactly how I was feeling. First and foremost, their counsel was to not get involved in arguments with these people who have abandoned God and seek to preach to others. Love them, pray for them, but don't bible bash- truth is the person that I am speaking of knows exactly what I am going to say and feel before I say it. He had the same teachings that I did. There is no point. Things are taught and maintained by the Spirit. No one can refute what you feel in your heart. So keep the Spirit- you can't do that when you have contention.

In addressing the question of how we can be smart and learn everything out there and remain faithful... well a scripture popped into my head. Just a line really- I am sure I could find it fast but I can't tell you where it is off the top of my head, "Lean not unto thine own understanding" So learning is good. Do it! But don't  be so prideful and "puffed up" to think that only things that can be explained by scientific evidence are the only truths out there. In humility, realize that God is all-knowing, he knows what the most "learned" know because he created it. Created it all! In 2 Nephi 27 Isaiah speaks of the sealed book and that the "learned shall not read them for they have rejected them" but the man who is not leanred shall say "I am not learned. Then the Lord God shall say unto him.... I am able to do mine own work; wherefore thou shalt read the words which I shall give unto thee" I didn't quote the entire passage as there is so much more but what it said to me was that the so-called wise guy- sees the sealed book and can't read with his eyes and says that it can't be read. The unlearned man sees the sealed book and tells God that in his weakness he can not read the sealed book. God says he will reveal it when he seeth fit. He can't read it with his eyes but God can reveal the miracles to Him in his heart.  2 Nephi 27:25 "Foras much as this people draw near unto me with their mouth, and with their lips do honor me, but have removed their hearts far from me, and their fear towards me is taught by the precepts of men-Therefore I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, yea, a marvelous work and a wonder, for the wisdom of their wise and learned shall perish and the understanding of their prudent shall be hid"

I am so grateful that I had the chance to get an education, I hope I can keep learning. I hope I can be humble- I feel myself confused about things too often which means I am relying too much on my own understanding. I need to allow the Savior in his Atonement to not only take the obvious burdens, but also the confusion, doubts, and vacancies of my mind and trust in Him.

Forgetful

David Bednar compared the Liahona to the Spirit in a 2006 Enign article. He then said that it "failed to work when family members were conentious, rude, slothful, or forgetful. I already knew about contentious and rude - I can be those... and slothful- well I'm that too at times but not horribly so... but forgetful!! Oh man I'm in trouble! I get what he means though. In Alma 37:41 it says, " Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means it did show unto them marvelous works. They were slothful and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey"
Sometimes you get in the fast lane and just simply forget to do the essential things. I forget how to feel the Spirit in my home. Once I do something that merits the Spirit, I am brought to that remembrance - and then I want more of it. But slowly it dims again. THATS why we need to read and pray everyday. THATS why we go to church and do all the things we do. We are forgetful, slothful, rude people naturally- we have to be reminded constantly!