A Glimpse

Just to play catch up for 2 seconds- I was recently called to be Young Womens President in my ward. I felt excited and a little overwhelmed at the call and I just want to do a really good job for the girls. I know how important they are and how generations are relying on the choices they are making. I also feel the importance of my job as a mom everyday and I feel like its been slightly on the back burner or only receiving the dredges of me - not my entire heart like it should. I of course am still struggling at times with my mom and Mike and feeling slightly abandoned at times and just angry at some of the changes in my family dynamic, so needless to say- there has been a lot on my mind. I was reading my scriptures and wanted to read on something that would help me so I looked up pride in the institute manual. As soon as my fingers were turning the pages, the word "charity" popped in my head and I knew thats what the Lord wanted me to study. The quote from Marvin J Ashton changed my outlook - just give them the benefit of the doubt. Just Love. Continuing on (and getting to the main point of this entry) I had to give a talk on "kindness". I was grateful for the previous insight and was trying to build on that but I had a horrible week! A week of bitter feelings of not living up to the instruction I received from Heavenly Father and just feeling crummy about myself because of it. I kept trying to pray for the Spirit but I felt like I was unworthy to give this talk as I was not a glowing example. As I was sitting on the couch in our living room (I wasn't praying or anything just kinda sitting there) I felt this overwhelming warmth, almost like I was being given a hug and then I went from complete discouragement to complete encouragement. I truly felt a parental love from Heavenly Father. It was such a cool experience. He knows what I am going through here on earth- I have been abandoned in a lot of ways by dad. And now mom feels a lot more distant which has caused a lot of emotions. But this was it- the feeling of complete acceptance and love that only a parent can give. I am just so grateful. I knew Heavenly Father had forgiven me for messing up on my quest to be kind and give the benefit of the doubt and I knew He wanted me to just keep trying and that He appreciates my effort. What an amazing gift from someone so powerful. I felt a Fathers love. I haven't felt that much in my life up to this point. Now I feel so empowered. Empowered to forget about petty things and JUST LOVE. Of course I am still completely imperfect at it- I've lost my patience with my kids some, argued with Jarom and gave him less than "soft answers", and felt that self-pity that I am trying to overcome when dealing with my mom sometimes. But if I truly put myself last all the time I wouldn't do any of those things. If I truly had Christs love for us in my heart I would be perfect and see others perfectly. Well thats the goal in life- I know it can't be done- the whole perfect thing- and thats why I am so grateful for the Atonement. I really hope I feel that Fatherly love and forgiveness many times throughout my life.