this year has knocked me out. A girl that turned fourteen over the pandemic and merely spent her birthday with me and two younger cousins paddle boating on Tempe town lake (my idea). No one really calling much during that isolation. No ties to Gospel learning other than what comes out of my mouth. In my world- my perfect little daughter who pretty much agrees with me on everything, an unbreakable bond. We even get to go to school together! Like I said the perfect teen parent. I’m astonished at my pride looking back.
I thought she had enough friends because she had me. I thought she knew she was beautiful because I told her she was. I thought she had a testimony because I told her I knew the church was true and Christ was real. How arrogant of me.
The first time I realized she lied to me- like bold face lied- I was crushed. I cried and cried as I told her she couldn’t have the friends over that she had wanted to have. I took her from some cousins that were in town and snuck her out to get sushi because I felt so guilty. This was the beginning to some patterns and more “I thought I knew you” moments. In retrospect, not to downplay them but they are all very teen things - not much different than some of the things I did. But honestly I felt way more hurt and lost behind her actions than I remember feeling. Perhaps I can’t remember right but I also didn’t turn 14 during an isolating pandemic. Maybe she is lost. Her grades have suffered horribly. Her self confidence has never been so low even with people stopping us on the street to tell us how beautiful she is- she still cries at night because she is fat and has terrible clothes. I’ve desperately tried to reason with her- to make her feel guilty- to push the scriptures at her- to be her friend - to do things for her - to make friends with her friends... all to be left burned again and raging inside at the helplessness. I must interject here that in my moments of absolute desperation, there was hope. It would show up unexpectedly in a warm feeling or they Would come about by words of a friend or my husband. I can thank Heavenly Father for wrapping me in the Holy Ghost when I got to a breaking point. Sometimes it felt really late as I waited for reprieve- but once it came I could sometimes forget how long it had taken.
As I write this I’m in no way saying I’m done and we got through it! I did get an answer though. A profound shift of courage and insight that has made the biggest difference in my ability to parent with love. To parent.
So maybe I’m writing this for her! Maybe she will have a fourteen year old and need this! Or maybe it’s just for me to remember as we get through high school. Either way here I am and it feels therapeutic.
One day I was just at a desperation point again. I reached out to all the people in my inner circle (another interjection- be careful to not cast your pearls before swine, your love for a daughter can not be explained and often judgment remains to those who don’t understand that love long after mother and daughter have forgiven each other). One who is the opposite of swine haha is my loving mother who is as hurt as I am when she hears of discord. She listened to me for an hour on the phone. Crying my eyes out about my girl and her current struggles with motivation to do anything good for herself.
She pulled out all of her normal stops that had worked on me so brilliantly! “Have you told her she is hurting you? That you’re so disappointed?” Etc...
My mom was the queen of guilt trips and our compassion for our single mom who had been through literal Hell often brought us kids back to the straight and narrow. I had an epiphany. (The worlds term for a prompting). I’ve been doing all those things because I wanted to be just like my mom and have the same exact relationship as my mom did with me. But my daughter is not me. Her life has been pretty cushy. While my mom gave us tons of freedom -
We had been grounded by the trials of losing my father and watching our mother suffer. That kind of humbling could never be replicated in my daughters life,
Nor would I want it to. Her refinement would have to be different. Perhaps even involve a very much stronger mother with very much higher expectations. As I mulled this over on the phone with my ever wise mom agreeing to my epiphany, I looked up her grades. Just as I had feared she hadn’t lifted a finger or turned in one assignment in two weeks and she was in danger of failing severely. She was at dance. I felt my tears dry and a surge of strength. I called my husband and let him know in short words what I’m doing. I surprised her by picking her up an hour early.
She was already whimpering when she got to the car. I yelled, cussed and well you know... it was a little rough. I drew that line in the sand so deep. I’m done - you’re done. No more self destruct with weak consequences that make me cry more than you. She cried and I gained strength though I still had watery eyes and a pounding heart. I felt the righteous indignation and so much love for her. She told me she felt relieved. That was so hopeful.
Though she did try to do better and did eventually pull out her grades (all but one class that there was no coming back from)- our little change of heart was not without its difficulties. We had a few screaming matches as I swing the pendulum too far trying to balance out my soft style
From before. I may have called myself a hard a** a few too many times. But I have found a new strength in hugging her more, being more honest with her, following through, making sure she knows they are her consequences but that I am sorry for her pain. I think we will continually balance these things but I feel more clarity than ever.
As our wise stake president mentioned to jarom and I, Christ was strong- He never bent on His principles nor shied away from on exclaiming truth. Yet He ALWAYS showed he cared. He loved. We can do both. Our teens need us to do both. They need to feel our arms around them.
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