My Cure for Anxiety part 2

The time that has passed since I last wrote on this could never surmount to the blessings and wisdom that have come into my life as of late. I feel knowledge being poured into me, probably undeserving at times and I often think how much more I would be receiving if I was better about my Gospel study. Christmas Eve I started getting sick. What was supposed to be a minor cold lasted for soooo long... I couldn't breathe! It was horrible, especially with my anxiety I was still battling! I dreaded the night because I knew it was at its worse (both breathing and anxiety). I developed a severe pain on my left side (from pleuricy and a rib out). It got so bad that on February 14th (Valentines Day) I went to the ER with Jarom. They admitted me since they saw pneumonia in my lungs on the CT scan. I was sad to leave the kids but had not idea this would be such a healing experience for me.

My extreme anxiety (I had battled it before but not to the level I was currently experiencing) had begun after my bad experience with the miscarriage of our 4th pregnancy. (before Mally) It continued throughout Mallory's pregnancy and my worst fear was surrounding my health and leaving my family. When Mallory was born I thought it would get way better! It did for a little bit but that darkness returned not too long after and I had my good days and bad days. A doctor had prescribed me anxiety meds but I hadn't wanted to take them, I didn't want to be tired (they caused drowsiness) and I didn't want to become reliant on them so I suffered through. Things like the temple, movies, anywhere where I felt a little trapped and like it would be embarrassing to pass out or something incited a racing heart and all kinds of thoughts. I withdrew from people I love because I didn't want to be outside my house that much and my thoughts were surrounded around myself, MY anxiety level, MY health, etc... I am pretty self aware and knew this kind of living was destructive but I felt pretty trapped. When me and Jarom took a vacation to Hawaii for our tenth wedding anniversary I was so anxious on the plane, I was struggling. Once we got there I spent a lot of early mornings staring out at the ocean on the balcony trying to convince myself I was recovered or that this trip was going to help me recover. It was a step in the right direction for sure but unfortunately I was just as anxious on the plane ride home as I was on the plane ride there. I just DID NOT want to go through the motions with my anxiety. I didn't want to keep it all in but I didn't want to talk about it too much either. I just wanted to be healed. I was basically impatient as heck.

Fast forward back to my pneumonia/asthma/hospital stay... while I was there some amazing things happened. I HAD to be there. I had to stay in my most feared place. I HAD to stop being afraid. The first night I was literally shaking as they wheeled me down to get a CT scan. The man who was doing it was so professional and smart and the Spirit comforted me in a peculiar way. I started to focus on how amazing the hospital was and all of its educated employees. I started to think about my own husband attending to patients needs and using his knowledge to help relieve their suffering. In that moment I changed my view of the hospital completely. I was in there for 3 days. I had so many wonderful visitors that reminded me that though I had kind of withdrawn myself, I truly have a lot of people who love and care for me and my family. Finally, the culminating thought that I've been clinging to ever since I left was simply that of letting go. The fact is I have NO CONTROL over when I am going to die. It could be tomorrow. I could leave my husband to raise my four babies. I could just be a memory for them until the eternities. As completely sad as that is to me, my knowledge of the Gospel makes me feel secure that all would be well. Every day I can wake up knowing my life is in His hands. His will be done. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He knows what I want more than anything in this entire world is to stay on earth to raise my family. But if He knows better... His will be done. I think about the 3 Nephites, their desire to stay on the Earth. I couldn't help but believe that He DOES take our desires into consideration. But should He know better... His will be done. People say mental health can not be cured with the scripture reading and Gospel learning. I tend to agree. Professional help is a key for some to recovery. I believe my anxiety was perhaps just a fraction of what some go through. Maybe it was just a taste to help me to understand those who experience it and help them. Interesting enough, Taylor came home from school one day and said she "can't breathe" while she is at school. Kindergarten. Maybe I needed to go through this for her? I don't know. I love her so much I would do it ten times over if it helped her. I've incorporated a new phrase in my prayers since this all happened- "please teach me Father". I have  noticed that when this phrase is coupled with sincere desire and an open willing mind, He is able to do just that. Teach me why I have this, teach me how to get over it, teach me how to help others get over it... Teach me.

Truth is anxiety is such a dark place. Here are things that help me
1. facing my fear (at the hospital), seeing the beauty in my fear (technology, science, brains etc...)
2. letting go (its God's will I desire after all) but still praying for my desire in great faith that He knows what's best and He, just like us, desires to give His children what they long for as long as those desires are righteous and will bring about His plan for them and for His Gospel.
3. (and here is where I get more tactical and less spiritual) Focus on the PRESENT. You can do nothing about the past or future. Worrying about either are completely pointless. Pondering on them is different. If you worry about what MIGHT happen, you miss out on what's currently happening. Lets say I start to worry about the fact that I can't clear my throat and I have a cough starting. Those are minor symptoms. I focus on the fact that I CURRENTLY have a cough. I try hard not to think too much about what may result from this cough, if my pneumonia is back, if I am going to get really sick, give it to my kids etc... I focus only on relieving that sore throat. Outside of medical concerns, I take one problem, solve it and move on keeping a positive attitude.
4. Get up and get moving! (if I'm able) if at all possible I try to get moving if I'm feeling anxious. Nights are the hardest for this.
5. Remembering who I am and that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. How can that not sound cliché? It means so much though! Does Heavenly Father really want me to be in the fetal position in a mental health hospital the rest of my life? Heck no I know He doesn't. He wants me out there, helping His work move forward. If I think about that it helps give me courage. No matter where I am at in my journey of overcoming my issues, He needs me well, He will help me get well. He will help me help others to get well if I trust Him.  I know that.
6. Think of the WORST that could happen right in that moment you are fearing and embrace it! (at the movies- I could fall down and have a seizure and wake up with everyone around me videoing it and putting it on Instagram! - which would never happen- but say to yourself- ok I can live with that! At church- singing in the choir and I pass out on top of the Bishop and my dress flies over my head- horrifying right? haha but I would get through it! And learn to laugh about it!)  I can be humiliated- I can have the worst circumstance of everyone! I can lose everything, I can face my worst fear. I will live! The Savior had not a place to lay His head- He was brought in to this world in such humble circumstances- even His very conception brought ridicule. His name was "common"- His living meager- He was of the lowliest on Earth. I can handle anything because He has been through it! He has been humiliated, rejected, scorned. He has suffered through something (in the Garden) that I can't even begin to comprehend. Causing blood to come from every pore- I can't imagine any symptom I could have in this life comparing to that which He suffered. Yet He did not let Satan's lie of fear creep in His life. He suffered it perfectly. Then the Spirit withdrew. He called out for it to return. "Why hast thou forsaken me?" He pleaded for it to return. Ok so  follow Christ... another cliché comment... but so life-changing to truly ponder the ideal.

BEST SCRIPTURES FOR ANXIETY- found in the Sermon on the Mount
Matthew 6: 25-34- when I'm feeling nervous- consider the lilies! They toil not yet they grow! "Take no thought of your life!"

Since I went through these life-changing experiences- I have felt truly healed. Do I still feel anxiety creep up? Heck yeah. I think that is in my very DNA. But anxiety has become more of a little child in my life that I can contain, that I can rock to sleep... that sounds weird but so true. Its not a huge scary monster anymore.  It begins and I tell myself- consider the lilies. He's got me.

My Cure for Anxiety

I haven't written in a while, I don't even know where I was in my life last time I wrote! But I had to write. I feel like I've been shown some "secrets to happiness" lately and I need to write them down not only for me to remember them, but for my posterity and anyone who may need these same thoughts to help them someday.

I've been struggling with anxiety. My fixation or obsession is thoughts that I'm going to die. Its silly really, I mean I have a strong testimony and I know whats on the other side! I know my family will be together forever! I know Heavenly Father would bless my family on earth if I did die! So there is no reason to have such anxiety and fear! But anxiety is hard to talk yourself through sometimes. It's hard to believe yourself even if all of your logic is in tact. I'm starting to believe that I've been "logicing" the wrong ideas. There is an underlining reason for my anxiety. And that realization has helped me so much this week. The anxiety still comes at time but to begin to understand the underlying reason is... just freedom! Now as I use my logic when anxiety creeps up, it actually works pretty well because its the true source.

The lights turned on when my mom was talking about my brother Travis. Here he is about to get engaged to the love of his life and he was a nervous wreck. His fear was that this was too good to be true. He just didn't have faith in happiness. Then I started to think about Selle who has somewhat extreme anxiety regarding his kids. So worried about something terrible happening. As I was reasoning this with my mom it hit me. Losing our dad, someone we loved sooooo much, someone we worshiped... and having no control over that, knowing that my mom was so innocent, we were so innocent yet so so so hurt really did cause some damage. I mean we like to think we got through it unscathed... but we didn't. That kind of hurt has to have collateral damage. But as I read the scripures, as I listen to conference talks, as I learn the very nature of God, attend the temple and listen to lessons on our purpose here on earth, I feel that the very goal of our Heavenly Father is to OVERCOME trials. To grow from them. To be happy. Period.

True happiness does exist!

For some reason this little lesson has started a domino of other "epiphanies" "aha moments" etc... I have been asking the Lord to teach me each day (days I remember) and I believe he is doing just that. For instance, I went to the antique mall with Rachel and Taylor. It took longer than it should have and normally I would be a complete nervous wreck. But the thought came to me, I have good intentions, I have no control over the situation, so just enjoy the time/conversation with my sister and be happy!

I had to go to the basketball game tonight- I don't like leaving my family. But I took Tuesday off to be with them, they know I love them, I fed them dinner, so go to the game and just be happy!

I have tried to control others happiness for so long. Hmmm... someone trying to force people to be happy... sounds a lot like Satan LOL! All I can control is my effort and love towards others. I can't control how they react or feel. What a freeing of freedom to start believing that and acting upon it. I would never want to tip the balance the other way and become so guilt-free that I lose responsibility and priorities. I want to do ALL I can, ALL within my power and make every effort to love, teach, spend quality time, self-analyze, make adjustments, try harder etc... and then just choose to be happy! Choose to enjoy the moment!

I can't live life waiting for compliments, waiting for people to approve of me, waiting for happy reactions to all I do and say. All I can do is be me, love, stay close to the Spirit and keep trying. Choose. Choose to be happy. Those in my life have that same decision to make and I really have nothing to do with that.

I love life and don't want to spend the rest of it guilt-ridden, angry, and controlling.

ADDENDUM TO THIS POST- I originally wrote this on 2/4/16 I didn't realize that 10 days later I would be admitted to the hospital for pneumonia and would have a life-changing experience that would give me all the tools to cure my anxiety for good.

Who is Melgo?

I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I am a daughter, a sister, a friend (not always a good one). I am a Young Women junkie, a dance fanatic, a knowledge seeker. I am a self-analyzer, a pretend chef (when I'm in the mood), kinda messy, kinda lazy. I am a church-goer, a bit judgmental of judgmental people. I'm someone who needs to feel like I'm helping, someone who seeks approval from others, someone who gets anxiety in confrontations, that talks a big talk but doesn't walk the walk. I'm anxious when I talk about my dad, or losing my grandpa, or my mom's re-marriage. Things that hurt, things that were hard cause the beating heart. I don't like to be rebuked, or told what to do, or to disappoint people. I hate to disappoint. I don't like seafood too much, nor snakes or spiders. I enjoy reading but choose to watch mindless tv too much. I try to read the scriptures but don't enjoy them as much as I should. I love honest people, honest things, though I am not always honest. I gossip too much with my mom sisters and try to hard to appear that I don't to other people. I need my mom's approval/attention but pretend I don't. I love my family, I love my little kids. I put them above my husband sometimes and have to remind myself to focus on him. I like to have fun, things have to be fun. Not celebrating milestones or holidays makes me depressed. I have had to lower my expectations of life to help myself maintain a positive attitude. Sounds depressing but its really not- my expectations were way too high, a few hard knocks and reality checks lowered those expectations to a manageable maintenance. I am a night owl, a loud laugher and a sleeper inner. I feel the beat in music and it flows through me ha till I'm locking and popping like a B-girl. I'm a pretend Mexican that loves the culture and feels comfortable being the only white girl in the room. I use fake cuss words way too much but I use lots of positive words too. The world looks bleak and depressing when I am tired and its nothing a little sleep doesn't fix up! I can't stand mean people. I want to change the world. I like to daydream about my next big idea.  I don't like to go unnoticed but I realize that this can be a severe weakness in my quest for humility so I fight against that trait and try to temper myself. I am a problem-solver and can't stand endless complaints. I try to fix others problems even when they don't want me to. I don't hold people accountable for things- I just want to forgive and forget and have everything be ok. I am a forgiving person. I laugh at inappropriate times! I can eat too much often but don't mind working out. I like chocolate slim fast more than most meals I consume. I take things too far to make people laugh. I don't mind being laughed at most the time. I am good at faking it till I make it. I am pretty corny and and don't mind acting like a complete dork- also to get laughs. My embarrassing moments are of public record. I am loyal to my family.

Patience and more...

"The promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain". I feel like this is something to remember.

"Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich." Elder Uchtdorf - April 2010

Patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls. ¹¹  Or, to use another translation of the Greek text, in your patience you win mastery of your souls. ¹²  Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the 
receiving that we grow the most. This was true in the time of the Savior. It is true in our time as well, for we are commanded in these latter days to “continue in patience until ye are perfected.”

1. Delaying immediate gratification for future blessings
2. Reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. 
3. Resisting evil even when it appears to make others rich.
4. Mastering your soul
5. Abiding in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most. 
6. Becoming perfect

When have I been patient? 
-When I have completed a project steadily (whether it be cleaning the house, organizing a room, or a craft for the house) without feeling rush or anxiety to complete it. 
- When I have held my mean tongue to consider my husbands perspective
- When I have taken a deep breath and explained to the kids what they did was wrong rather than yelling at them. 
- When I have held back the hurt I have felt caused from another until I could either get over it, or address it calmly with them. 
- When I have excused myself from my shortcomings and pressed on trying to be better.

When am I impatient?
- driving!
- with myself when I go against what I promised myself I would do (like be on time)
- when I have cussed or let "word vomit" spew from my mouth
- yell at the kids
- hurried Jarom along without appreciating his personality
- when I've let myself get discouraged with how much I have to do, the things I need to change, the house etc... Discouragement is impatience with oneself. Heavenly Father would never want us to be discouraged. Discouragement is a loss of hope, a lack of faith in the future and your ability to improve. Discouragement comes from Satan. A rebuke- yes, a feeling of sorrow at the behavior- yes, a will to change- yes, but complete and utter discouragement- never. 

If nothing else, I can be patient with myself, then add to that my family, and then others and so on... 

A little answer...

I don't know why but I've been feeling kind of out of it and lost lately... I will have a good day or a week of course but the same recurring emptiness and confusion resumes at some point. Perhaps it is especially cumbersome after an event - my mind isn't so distracted so I am able to reflect and feel the depths of it. Its not horrible- I promise.  I just don't feel... clear... I can't keep goals I make for myself, I do subtle self-destructive things for comfort like staying up till 1am every night, watching too much tv and neglecting better activities, not playing with my children as much as I should or focusing on their activities, eating poorly etc etc... we all get in these rutts. I know it will pass. But I write my thoughts down to remember the impression I got  during church and give myself perspective as well as anyone else who may ever read this who is feeling in the same rutt.

Jarom and I got in a little tiff right before church- not really a tiff- just him making an innocent joke, me taking offense, him a little irritated with my sensitivity... you know the same ol'
On my way to church I felt annoyed at my own sensitivity plus annoyed that Jarom just isn't able to give ME what I need. I realized that I have been praying lately to help me with my selfishness. With that realization I realized I again was acting selfishly. Thinking of the things I need and I want and what Jarom isn't giving ME. I drove to Relief Society (we had swapped because Jack was sick) got in and sat down. I saw the lesson was on "You are never alone" and I just knew Heavenly Father was going to speak to me. But I received an impression I didn't expect...

Women shared their very personal experiences on how the Lord has visited them in their afflictions and how they KNEW they weren't alone and the Lord was mindful. Somewhere in the middle of this a quiet impression came that its time. Time to have another baby.

What better way to cure selfishness? It makes sense. I want to of course make this decision with Jarom by my side and he hasn't even heard this from me yet. But I wanted to record how I felt and what I felt was that a new baby would really bless our family. Make us closer... give us perspective... another one to love and care for etc...

I am so grateful for quiet yet distinct impressions and for the Spirit those women broght for me to feel that. I know my rutts will come but if it turns me to the Lord than I know its for good.
'

Turning my heart to my Fathers

I've been reading the Work and the Glory. I can't lie, the idea of plural marriage sickens me. But today I read a story about one of my direct ancestors- Vilate Kimball. It recounted the vision she received when Heber had ALREADY taken on a wife and he was unable to tell Vilate about it. Her vision brought me to tears. The thought of Jarom taking on a wife is like woah too much to bare. But reading of what the early saints went through when this doctrine was taught- I felt better- like they too were disturbed- which they must have been. It all comes down to was Joseph Smith a prophet for all his days on earth? They had such deep-rooted testiomonies to be able to overcome all of their angst, complete depression, bad feelings, etc... (none of the words I can think of accurately describe what they must have gone through) and follow the prophet. Was it a test for the Saints? yes. Was it to build a righteous seed? Probably a good reason. Was it to take care of the women who had no husbands? that too probably. Was it a commandment from God? it must have been if I believe Joseph to be a prophet. So yes. Do I think that we will have to live this way in the next life? Some of us! But I hope not me, I'm not going to lie! But if I really sit and think of what I would do... I would come near to death I'm sure but I think I would do it. I think I would in the end follow the prophet because I know that the church has been restored. That thought makes me happy, that helps me know more than ever that I do know the Church is true. And in saying that- I know that Joseph was and is a prophet of God. This had to have been his worse trial. The sadness I feel comes from the thought of, what am I going to be asked to do in this life? To really test me? What am I going to have to face? The thought will drive me crazy so I just have to keep preparing my life and my Spirit to be able to handle the forces that want to knock me down. I am so grateful for Vilate's strength. Her testimony and actions are so inspiring, they are the one thought I will cling to whenever I am having sick doubts about polygamy and the practice being from God. She is the reason I can overcome that doctrine that is universally disturbing.

A Glimpse

Just to play catch up for 2 seconds- I was recently called to be Young Womens President in my ward. I felt excited and a little overwhelmed at the call and I just want to do a really good job for the girls. I know how important they are and how generations are relying on the choices they are making. I also feel the importance of my job as a mom everyday and I feel like its been slightly on the back burner or only receiving the dredges of me - not my entire heart like it should. I of course am still struggling at times with my mom and Mike and feeling slightly abandoned at times and just angry at some of the changes in my family dynamic, so needless to say- there has been a lot on my mind. I was reading my scriptures and wanted to read on something that would help me so I looked up pride in the institute manual. As soon as my fingers were turning the pages, the word "charity" popped in my head and I knew thats what the Lord wanted me to study. The quote from Marvin J Ashton changed my outlook - just give them the benefit of the doubt. Just Love. Continuing on (and getting to the main point of this entry) I had to give a talk on "kindness". I was grateful for the previous insight and was trying to build on that but I had a horrible week! A week of bitter feelings of not living up to the instruction I received from Heavenly Father and just feeling crummy about myself because of it. I kept trying to pray for the Spirit but I felt like I was unworthy to give this talk as I was not a glowing example. As I was sitting on the couch in our living room (I wasn't praying or anything just kinda sitting there) I felt this overwhelming warmth, almost like I was being given a hug and then I went from complete discouragement to complete encouragement. I truly felt a parental love from Heavenly Father. It was such a cool experience. He knows what I am going through here on earth- I have been abandoned in a lot of ways by dad. And now mom feels a lot more distant which has caused a lot of emotions. But this was it- the feeling of complete acceptance and love that only a parent can give. I am just so grateful. I knew Heavenly Father had forgiven me for messing up on my quest to be kind and give the benefit of the doubt and I knew He wanted me to just keep trying and that He appreciates my effort. What an amazing gift from someone so powerful. I felt a Fathers love. I haven't felt that much in my life up to this point. Now I feel so empowered. Empowered to forget about petty things and JUST LOVE. Of course I am still completely imperfect at it- I've lost my patience with my kids some, argued with Jarom and gave him less than "soft answers", and felt that self-pity that I am trying to overcome when dealing with my mom sometimes. But if I truly put myself last all the time I wouldn't do any of those things. If I truly had Christs love for us in my heart I would be perfect and see others perfectly. Well thats the goal in life- I know it can't be done- the whole perfect thing- and thats why I am so grateful for the Atonement. I really hope I feel that Fatherly love and forgiveness many times throughout my life.