Turning my heart to my Fathers

I've been reading the Work and the Glory. I can't lie, the idea of plural marriage sickens me. But today I read a story about one of my direct ancestors- Vilate Kimball. It recounted the vision she received when Heber had ALREADY taken on a wife and he was unable to tell Vilate about it. Her vision brought me to tears. The thought of Jarom taking on a wife is like woah too much to bare. But reading of what the early saints went through when this doctrine was taught- I felt better- like they too were disturbed- which they must have been. It all comes down to was Joseph Smith a prophet for all his days on earth? They had such deep-rooted testiomonies to be able to overcome all of their angst, complete depression, bad feelings, etc... (none of the words I can think of accurately describe what they must have gone through) and follow the prophet. Was it a test for the Saints? yes. Was it to build a righteous seed? Probably a good reason. Was it to take care of the women who had no husbands? that too probably. Was it a commandment from God? it must have been if I believe Joseph to be a prophet. So yes. Do I think that we will have to live this way in the next life? Some of us! But I hope not me, I'm not going to lie! But if I really sit and think of what I would do... I would come near to death I'm sure but I think I would do it. I think I would in the end follow the prophet because I know that the church has been restored. That thought makes me happy, that helps me know more than ever that I do know the Church is true. And in saying that- I know that Joseph was and is a prophet of God. This had to have been his worse trial. The sadness I feel comes from the thought of, what am I going to be asked to do in this life? To really test me? What am I going to have to face? The thought will drive me crazy so I just have to keep preparing my life and my Spirit to be able to handle the forces that want to knock me down. I am so grateful for Vilate's strength. Her testimony and actions are so inspiring, they are the one thought I will cling to whenever I am having sick doubts about polygamy and the practice being from God. She is the reason I can overcome that doctrine that is universally disturbing.

A Glimpse

Just to play catch up for 2 seconds- I was recently called to be Young Womens President in my ward. I felt excited and a little overwhelmed at the call and I just want to do a really good job for the girls. I know how important they are and how generations are relying on the choices they are making. I also feel the importance of my job as a mom everyday and I feel like its been slightly on the back burner or only receiving the dredges of me - not my entire heart like it should. I of course am still struggling at times with my mom and Mike and feeling slightly abandoned at times and just angry at some of the changes in my family dynamic, so needless to say- there has been a lot on my mind. I was reading my scriptures and wanted to read on something that would help me so I looked up pride in the institute manual. As soon as my fingers were turning the pages, the word "charity" popped in my head and I knew thats what the Lord wanted me to study. The quote from Marvin J Ashton changed my outlook - just give them the benefit of the doubt. Just Love. Continuing on (and getting to the main point of this entry) I had to give a talk on "kindness". I was grateful for the previous insight and was trying to build on that but I had a horrible week! A week of bitter feelings of not living up to the instruction I received from Heavenly Father and just feeling crummy about myself because of it. I kept trying to pray for the Spirit but I felt like I was unworthy to give this talk as I was not a glowing example. As I was sitting on the couch in our living room (I wasn't praying or anything just kinda sitting there) I felt this overwhelming warmth, almost like I was being given a hug and then I went from complete discouragement to complete encouragement. I truly felt a parental love from Heavenly Father. It was such a cool experience. He knows what I am going through here on earth- I have been abandoned in a lot of ways by dad. And now mom feels a lot more distant which has caused a lot of emotions. But this was it- the feeling of complete acceptance and love that only a parent can give. I am just so grateful. I knew Heavenly Father had forgiven me for messing up on my quest to be kind and give the benefit of the doubt and I knew He wanted me to just keep trying and that He appreciates my effort. What an amazing gift from someone so powerful. I felt a Fathers love. I haven't felt that much in my life up to this point. Now I feel so empowered. Empowered to forget about petty things and JUST LOVE. Of course I am still completely imperfect at it- I've lost my patience with my kids some, argued with Jarom and gave him less than "soft answers", and felt that self-pity that I am trying to overcome when dealing with my mom sometimes. But if I truly put myself last all the time I wouldn't do any of those things. If I truly had Christs love for us in my heart I would be perfect and see others perfectly. Well thats the goal in life- I know it can't be done- the whole perfect thing- and thats why I am so grateful for the Atonement. I really hope I feel that Fatherly love and forgiveness many times throughout my life.

Lean Not Unto Thine Own Understanding

I have had a recent experience with a family member who used to believe as I believe and has decided to leave the church and start a new way of living and understanding. I have had a hard time with this. What is out there that made him change his mind? He tells me how much happier he is, how can this be with what we know? Most importantly, this guy is a very smart dude. How can I be smart and learned, learn secular things and still not fall into traps that take me from the Gospel that I love and the God that I believe in?

Turning to the scriptures is the answer to all of these questions. First I looked up "antichrist" in the Book of Mormon institute manual. There were so many addresses from Prophets and Apostles that pertained to exactly how I was feeling. First and foremost, their counsel was to not get involved in arguments with these people who have abandoned God and seek to preach to others. Love them, pray for them, but don't bible bash- truth is the person that I am speaking of knows exactly what I am going to say and feel before I say it. He had the same teachings that I did. There is no point. Things are taught and maintained by the Spirit. No one can refute what you feel in your heart. So keep the Spirit- you can't do that when you have contention.

In addressing the question of how we can be smart and learn everything out there and remain faithful... well a scripture popped into my head. Just a line really- I am sure I could find it fast but I can't tell you where it is off the top of my head, "Lean not unto thine own understanding" So learning is good. Do it! But don't  be so prideful and "puffed up" to think that only things that can be explained by scientific evidence are the only truths out there. In humility, realize that God is all-knowing, he knows what the most "learned" know because he created it. Created it all! In 2 Nephi 27 Isaiah speaks of the sealed book and that the "learned shall not read them for they have rejected them" but the man who is not leanred shall say "I am not learned. Then the Lord God shall say unto him.... I am able to do mine own work; wherefore thou shalt read the words which I shall give unto thee" I didn't quote the entire passage as there is so much more but what it said to me was that the so-called wise guy- sees the sealed book and can't read with his eyes and says that it can't be read. The unlearned man sees the sealed book and tells God that in his weakness he can not read the sealed book. God says he will reveal it when he seeth fit. He can't read it with his eyes but God can reveal the miracles to Him in his heart.  2 Nephi 27:25 "Foras much as this people draw near unto me with their mouth, and with their lips do honor me, but have removed their hearts far from me, and their fear towards me is taught by the precepts of men-Therefore I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, yea, a marvelous work and a wonder, for the wisdom of their wise and learned shall perish and the understanding of their prudent shall be hid"

I am so grateful that I had the chance to get an education, I hope I can keep learning. I hope I can be humble- I feel myself confused about things too often which means I am relying too much on my own understanding. I need to allow the Savior in his Atonement to not only take the obvious burdens, but also the confusion, doubts, and vacancies of my mind and trust in Him.

Forgetful

David Bednar compared the Liahona to the Spirit in a 2006 Enign article. He then said that it "failed to work when family members were conentious, rude, slothful, or forgetful. I already knew about contentious and rude - I can be those... and slothful- well I'm that too at times but not horribly so... but forgetful!! Oh man I'm in trouble! I get what he means though. In Alma 37:41 it says, " Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means it did show unto them marvelous works. They were slothful and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey"
Sometimes you get in the fast lane and just simply forget to do the essential things. I forget how to feel the Spirit in my home. Once I do something that merits the Spirit, I am brought to that remembrance - and then I want more of it. But slowly it dims again. THATS why we need to read and pray everyday. THATS why we go to church and do all the things we do. We are forgetful, slothful, rude people naturally- we have to be reminded constantly!

receiving strength

All those times when I feel overwhelmed and then it just subsides all of a sudden... I'm all of a sudden able to handle whatever was overwhelming me...

1 Nephi 15:6-7 just explained what is going on. I guess I already knew this but Nephi has a way of pointing out things so simply. He considered that his "afflictions were great above all" (yep been there) and then he simply states in the next verse, "And it came to pass that after I received strength" it all comes from the Lord. Everything good.

power on earth

Today while I was reading scriptures I read this in 1 Nephi 14: 14: "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, beheld the POWER of the Lamb of God, that it descended upon the saints of the church of the Lamb, and upon the covenant people of the Lord, who were scattered upon all the face of the earth; and they were armed with righteousness and with the power of God in great glory." And I seriously felt the importance of my job as a mother. I know that seems like a random connection. Here is how I came to that thought: The world is a crazy place, and just going to get crazier. But we are "armed with righteousness" and with the POWER of God in great glory. The word power stuck out to me. Despite our numbers being few, and despite our weaknesses, God has given us power because of our righteousness. So the thought crossed my mind- what am I using my God-given power for? Am I wasting it? And right then I looked down at Taylor. Wow, I felt so important. My power right now is raising these kids to be righteous and to therefore receive the same power. Every one's endowed power is used in different capacities at different seasons in their life. Some are in the spotlight and their power on earth is more evident. But a mother- a mother has the ability to affect generations from the quiet comfort of her home. So cool.