I have anxiously awaited the day I could parent teens. I just knew I’d be awesome at it. Ive read the books, had the practice teaching high school kids- I love teens and they love me. I get love and logic. I’ve had consistent come follow me and family home evening their whole lives. We aren’t perfect but I try to follow all the good advice, staying open, putting the relationship first, etc... 

this year has knocked me out. A girl that turned fourteen over the pandemic and merely spent her birthday with me and two younger cousins paddle boating on Tempe town lake (my idea). No one really calling much during that isolation. No ties to Gospel learning other than what comes out of my mouth. In my world- my perfect little daughter who pretty much agrees with me on everything, an unbreakable bond. We even get to go to school together! Like I said the perfect teen parent. I’m astonished at my pride looking back. 

I thought she had enough friends because she had me. I thought she knew she was beautiful because I told her she was. I thought she had a testimony because I told her I knew the church was true and Christ was real. How arrogant of me. 

The first time I realized she lied to me- like bold face lied- I was crushed. I cried and cried as I told her she couldn’t have the friends over that she had wanted to have. I took her from some cousins that were in town and snuck her out to get sushi because I felt so guilty. This was the beginning to some patterns and more “I thought I knew you” moments. In retrospect, not to downplay them but they are all very teen things - not much different than some of the things I did. But honestly I felt way more hurt and lost behind her actions than I remember feeling. Perhaps I can’t remember right but I also didn’t turn 14 during an isolating pandemic. Maybe she is lost. Her grades have suffered horribly. Her self confidence has never been so low even with people stopping us on the street to tell us how beautiful she is- she still cries at night because she is fat and has terrible clothes. I’ve desperately tried to reason with her- to make her feel guilty- to push the scriptures at her- to be her friend - to do things for her - to make friends with her friends... all to  be left burned again and raging inside at the helplessness. I must interject here that in my moments of absolute desperation, there was hope. It would show up unexpectedly in a warm feeling or they Would come about by words of a friend or my husband. I can thank Heavenly Father for wrapping me in the Holy Ghost when I got to a breaking point. Sometimes it felt really late as I waited for reprieve- but once it came I could sometimes forget how long it had taken. 

As I write this I’m in no way saying I’m done and we got through it! I did get an answer though. A profound shift of courage and insight that has made the biggest difference in my ability to parent with love. To parent. 

So maybe I’m writing this for her! Maybe she will have a fourteen year old and need this! Or maybe it’s just for me to remember as we get through high school. Either way here I am and it feels therapeutic. 

One day I was just at a desperation point again. I reached out to all the people in my inner circle (another interjection- be careful to not cast your pearls before swine, your love for a daughter can not be explained and often judgment remains to those who don’t understand that love long after mother and daughter have forgiven each other). One who is the opposite of swine haha is my loving mother who is as hurt as I am when she hears of discord. She listened to me for an hour on the phone. Crying my eyes out about my girl and her current struggles with motivation to do anything good for herself. 

She pulled out all of her normal stops that had worked on me so brilliantly! “Have you told her she is hurting you? That you’re so disappointed?” Etc...

My mom was the queen of guilt trips and our compassion for our single mom who had been through literal Hell often brought us kids back to the straight and narrow. I had an epiphany. (The worlds term for a prompting). I’ve been doing all those things because I wanted to be just like my mom and have the same exact relationship as my mom did with me. But my daughter is not me. Her life has been pretty cushy. While my mom gave us tons of freedom -

We had been grounded by the trials of losing my father and watching our mother suffer. That kind of humbling could never be replicated in my daughters life,

Nor would I want it to. Her refinement would have to be different. Perhaps even involve a very much stronger mother with very much higher expectations. As I mulled this over on the phone with my ever wise mom agreeing to my epiphany, I looked up her grades. Just as I had feared she hadn’t lifted a finger or turned in one assignment in two weeks and she was in danger of failing severely. She was at dance. I felt my tears dry and a surge of strength. I called my husband and let him know in short words what I’m doing. I surprised her by picking her up an hour early. 

She was already whimpering when she got to the car. I yelled, cussed and well you know... it was a little rough. I drew that line in the sand so deep. I’m done - you’re done. No more self destruct with weak consequences that make me cry more than you. She cried and I gained strength though I still had watery eyes and a pounding heart. I felt the righteous indignation and so much love for her. She told me she felt relieved. That was so hopeful. 

Though she did try to do better and did eventually pull out her grades (all but one class that there was no coming back from)- our little change of heart was not without its difficulties. We had a few screaming matches as I swing the pendulum too far trying to balance out my soft style

From before. I may have called myself a hard a** a few too many times. But I have found a new strength in hugging her more, being more honest with her, following through, making sure she knows they are her consequences but that I am sorry for her pain. I think we will continually balance these things but I feel more clarity than ever. 

As our wise stake president mentioned to jarom and I, Christ was strong- He never bent on His principles nor shied away from on exclaiming truth. Yet He ALWAYS showed he cared. He loved. We can do both. Our teens need us to do both. They need to feel our arms around them. 

Finding Peace

Lately everyone and everything seems all fired up.  Amidst Covid-19 reality and rumors, face mask debates, media validity, politics, race riots, racial inequality, etc..., I also feel a rise in contention, depression and anxiety among loved ones. I sometimes feel in the depths myself. Not just because what I am seeing, but because how little I am able to harness my own emotions despite my knowledge of His plan and His greatest commandment. I can see an article or listen to a speaker and become so angry and hopeless! I hate feeling so out of control, not being able to fix what is broken or change anyone's mind. I am passionate about my beliefs (as are so many of us) and its so hard to stay positive and loving through all of this. But I know I CAN'T remain in this frame of mind and be happy. When do I feel peace?? I feel peace when I shut the media off and play with my kids. I feel peace when I help someone in need or stop mid-day and say a prayer or open my scriptures. I feel peace when I go in my dance garage and turn on music and improv dance (haha I would not feel peace if anyone saw me doing it- its like me going nuts on the dance floor so its saved all for me). I feel peace when I listen to those with greater knowledge than I, those who have studied His words more in depth and have many more years of experience hearing His voice.

I have a hard time balancing my desire to stand up for what I believe in with my desire to love others yet I believe we are asked to do both. Sometimes I figure it out! Sometimes when I'm feeling my heart open to others, I see the pain in those who have opposing beliefs and I want to love them, even if they wouldn't love me! I feel like just about any person could be easy to love if we really knew their true life story. Knowing the pain that got them into the place they are in could change us in a second! That is why God can love us. Men's hearts truly are failing. My heart is failing sometimes. I hate that. God's heart will not. I want to keep that peace with me everyday.

In a nighttime lesson with my kids we talked about our own sphere of influence. I had heard Ben Carson talk about considering our sphere of influence... I realized every single one of my kids, even my 5-year-old already has a sphere of influence. She has a few little cousins that really look up to her. She can do more for them in way of example then even a parent can in certain areas. We talked about how we use that sphere. It went along with our studies in the Book of Mormon. Alma 10-15 specifically. Alma was a prophet preaching just as God asked him to in a certain city. He had no success. To those people, he was out of touch. He had no sphere of influence there. His life had not been intertwined with others who lived there. They hadn't seen him at a market or known his children, etc... It was easy to be mean to him. This reminds me of social media. This dark abyss where we can all be vile enemies if we want to. Our ugly, inhumane side can come out. We wouldn't do that to a friend or someone we have loved and seen grow up with us. We are brave and ugly behind a screen. Back to the scripture story: after Alma leaves he is commanded to return. He did so right away, because he trusted God. He was received by Amulek. Amulek was a citizen of this town and had great reputation and wealth. He received him and gave him food and rest. He had received a vision that he was to help Alma. Amulek had a quiet testimony of God's word and was given the command to come out of the shadows and help Alma with this work. Day 1 Alma teaches the people and they are again being vile toward him. When Amulek opens his mouth to speak he has SUCH a greater power with them. They are astonished. Many are converted. Many are still awful to him but those within his sphere of influence hear him and follow God and are baptized. What an amazing example to me. Rather than trolling on Facebook groups where I have no influence- I am unknown face and name with a keyboard- I can use the things I've learned with those who know me and my heart. What a better use for my time! Finally the story I share concludes with an expression of all Amulek sacrificed to bring forth the truth. He gave up family members, wealth, position, reputation. His sacrifice sanctified his life. But with that peace he surely felt from bringing so many to Christ, it says that Alma "took him (Amulek) to his own house, and did administer unto him in his tribulations and strengthened him in the Lord". (Alma 15:18)  Amulek had a hard time! Peace is not going to be found and kept so easily! President Nelson says "the Lord loves effort". He also says about his own calling "of course its hard!".  It is supposed to be hard because we are progressing. Its ok to feel the absence of peace now and again. Knowing that is somehow comforting to me. As we seek it, we will be strengthened in our times of great need. Either by another or by God and Christ Themselves through the Holy Ghost.

I hope this brings a little comfort to you if you are feeling badly today. I pray I can find the balance of knowing when to speak and when to listen. I want to know when to stand up and when to back down. I know I will make mistakes in this venture and I know peace will yet evade me again. But I also know that my peaceful things (family, scriptures, health, love) are ESSENTIAL in finding this balance and knowing the will of the Lord.

This holiday break was like no other... I am still processing all that happened and how I feel but I thought I should put my thoughts down while they are fresh on my mind. December 23rd I woke up early and took a pregnancy test- I hadn't realized I was pretty late until that day! Ever since we got married we have thought we wanted five kids. When Mal was born we tried for a 5th right away. One night as I was having a particularly rough time putting Tay to bed, I had this feeling come over me. You may be thinking.. we all have those feelings when chaos is present... the ones that say I can't do any more than this because its already chaotic. It was so much more thought- it felt like a warning. I just had this feeling that I needed to focus on getting my current house in order. When I told Jarom about  how I was feeling, he immediately agreed that we needed to slow down and enjoy the kids we have. Fast forward almost three more years with happy and hard times of trying to accomplish the aforementioned, back to the 23rd, it was POSITIVE. What the heck? I was stunned. We hadn't been trying, we had started to think we were done! I had to wrap my mind around this! I showed Jarom and we kind of laugh/cried for a sec (ok he was laughing and I was crying and laughing at the same time). He was super comforting saying we always wanted this, it must be meant to be, we can do this etc... It didn't take us long to get used to the idea and start thinking of names and what ifs... we were going to tell the kids on Christmas morning.

Christmas Eve night I started to spot and cramp which are signs of a miscarriage. Me and Jarom decided to hold off on telling the kids on Christmas since it might end in disappointment. We had a great Christmas. The next day we called Dr. Beck's office to get an appointment to see what was going on. We told our parents and my sisters so they could be a support to us. We went in on that Thursday and had an ultrasound. Low and behold there was a little heart beating! Ok now we were hooked on the idea of our fifth little baby! Even though there was still very much a risk (and I would find out later that Jarom, who is an ultrasound tech, noticed that the yolk sack was abnormally large which he believed to be an issue) we decided to tell our close loved ones and ask them to pray! The doc told me to stay down and just rest. We decided we would also tell our kids what was going on so they could be extra mindful and helpful. When we told them of course Jack wanted a bro so bad! Tay was so excited! Lydi seemed a little awkward (I figured it was just her age) and Mal, well she was just Mal smiling and being silly and probably didn't really get it. We told them that the pregnancy was in a little bit of danger and to help out and pray for the baby.

I continued to have miscarriage symptoms for 11 days. On Friday January 4th I got out of the car and felt something so I ran to the bathroom and then it happened. Normally a miscarriage at 7 weeks passes pretty easily and though its heart-wrenching, it is not particularly dangerous. So many things happened for my protection and I recognize so fully the divine help through willing people. Here is my tender mercy list and then I will give more detail to what happened:

First, my mom. She came to help take control of the situation. Enough said,  moms are everything.
Second, friends. I was supposed to take Taylor to my friend Kimber's house and then she was going to take our girls to basketball, I was forced into telling her right then what was going on. Normally I wouldn't say right while it is happening, out of perhaps embarrassment or worry that the person would feel obligated to help etc... but I had to! She was the perfect person to tell! Even though she had a practice to coach at, and she was late for it, she scooped up all my kids (even the one little Mal that was crying from a stomach ache and my nephew I was watching) and got them in her car, took them to her house and got her family involved in feeding them waffles and making them feel ok.
Third, experience. I had a miscarriage turn into a nightmare four years ago. I wasn't about to repeat that mistake! With me and my mom putting our heads together, and as I kept bleeding what seemed to be more than a normal miscarriage, we called the doc.
Fourth, doctor. I always knew I liked my doctor. Calm, reliable, sure and steady. But now I will sing his praises forever. This was a Friday at 6pm, we had to call the on-call doc and it just so happened it was MY doctor. That alone was a huge relief since he knows what was going on with me already. We explained the amount of bleeding and reminded him of my history. He explained what a normal amount would be, when that didn't match up he had me meet him in his office. He said he wanted to help me avoid the hospital, as it was packed from flu patients and I would probably end up losing a lot more blood. My mom drove me and we met Jarom, just coming from work, and Dr. Beck at his office. During the drive I just tried to stay calm but I could feel myself losing lots more blood and my teeth were chattering like crazy. Remember this was on  Friday night at 7pm- he totally didn't have to do this but he met us at his office, turned the lights on and performed a D and C on his table. There was nothing to help with the pain so it was quite a terrible 10 minutes (felt like an hour). As soon as he was done I was overcome with so many emotions. As I laid my head on Jarom still on the table and cried the words "I can't do this anymore" came out. I felt that truth. For the first time in forever I felt done.
Seems like such a sad way to end a decade of bringing life into this world! When I was still pregnant, I felt strongly that if we lost it, we would try again. But to lose it in dramatic fashion again, I hadn't thought of that... my memories came flooding back of the effects of losing my last pregnancy and almost my life.
Comparing what I had been through before to this experience brought so much enlightenment and though it may seem that those words came from fear... and I can't really express adequately why not... they truly didn't. It was simply a declaration that what Heavenly Father has blessed me with is enough. He has given me for beautiful children, a wonderful man for a husband and has spared my life more than once. I am enough - I can be refined with these four babies and provide them with a happy full life, even though my goal was 5. this experience in comparison with my last miscarriage also enlightened my mind as to how far i have come in my mental fitness. As feelings of anxiety started to surface, my continual "mind exercises" such as: 1- admitting to myself I was felling fear and anxiety and not trying to mask it, 2- remembering that the Lord has a plan and even if that included me going back to my Heavenly home right now, all things would be for my good and the good of my family, 3- breathing, meditating, letting people comfort me etc... it didn't get the better of me this time. I am so grateful. I am so grateful I have the tools to overcome. I am grateful for my little bean with a heartbeat and if I get to be his/her mother in the next life- I will cherish it and be the bomb mom... if not I am so grateful for the lessons and peace that have filled my heart since the beating heart entered my life!

The Weekly Grind

I had the absolute greatest beginning to my week! I was on fire with working out, studying scriptures, getting stuff done, eating healthy, organizing, being a very intentional and patient mom... and then by Friday I was eating cheetoes for a snack, not making it to the gym, exhausted, in a grouchy mood, and feeling the weight of the world! How does this happen in ONE WEEK? So I'm going to analyze this puppy out so I can figure it out- I'm determined.

So any good detective looks for clues and follows their gut to solve a mystery (lets go Walt Longmire style) .
Sunday and Monday Nights:
- prepped for the next day with list, a plan and stuff laid out
- in bed before 10- watched a show but asleep by 11
Monday and Tuesday morning:
- both next mornings- went to the gym at 5:15am
- listened to a talk on the way and read some scriptures later that day
- scriptures with the fam before school
- mind stayed focused all day and got lots done
- took a small power nap at 11am before work on Tuesday
Tuesday Night:
- In bed fairly early, watched more tv, fell asleep watching it
Wednesday
- woke up feeling sore,
- Scriptures with the fam
-went to an 8:45 Piyo class that I loved!
- Forgot to listen to a talk
- wasted some time on my phone
Wednesday Night
- marathoned Longmire with Jarom (like 3 episodes) went to bed super late!
- zero prep for Thursday
Thursday Morning
- got up SO reluctantly after 5 alarms
- quick rushed scriptures
- almost late to school
- no work out
Thursday Night
- went to Walmart with the kids for Mal's bday and had fun but got home at 9:15pm
-in bed around 11, prepared a tiny bit for Friday (made a grocery list)
Friday
- no work out
- scriptures with the kids was good, but didn't get to mine until night and was only awake enough to read a couple verses.
- lots of time , feeling entitled to be lazy after a "rough week"
- feeling entitled to bad food because of having ate so good this week
- feeling grumpy and tired and mad at the world ha!

As I'm recalling my week, its pretty clear what has happened-
My fortifications to having a great day:
- spiritual nourishment (scriptures, prayer, service)
- physical nourishment (good food, exercise, power naps, early bed time, early wake time)
- planning! (if you fail to plan, you plan to fail right?!)

I honestly thought I was mentally and physically exhausted because of outside sources! I had a rough week at work with a few different things going that have taken their toll. Sure, this could add to my stress level but I can't help but to think, what if I had continued on the course I had set out upon early in my week? Would I be better equipped to handle any issue that comes my way? I am pretty certain I would.
**"temperate- showing moderation or self-restraint
We are asked to be temperate in all things. So 1 episode- great! 3- no Bueno. Practicing self-restraint by sticking to a schedule that will ensure that I am at my greatest possible capacity each day is temperance at its finest. If I have that clear mind, I can take on the world!

I'm not beating myself up too bad- this tends to happen lots in my life and I'm so so grateful for Sundays- a time to reflect, a time to rest, to repent and to make commitments to do better! It seems Heavenly Father knew we would screw up by Fridays!

I just have to keep trying to put first things first and to be a little better each week!

Suffer the Little Children to Come Unto Me and Forbid Them Not

Last Sunday I was watching something on my phone when Taylor, my 6 year old, came in "scared" and wanting to sleep in me and Jarom's bed. Just as I was telling her to go get in bed NNOOOOWWW... (sounds harsh but she always finds a way out of bed), I heard something from what I was watching and it has stuck with me in more ways than one this week. I was watching a biography of President Thomas S. Monson. He was talking about a time a little girl was diagnosed with incurable cancer and in her final stages. She had prayed that she would get to have a blessing from him specifically. He didn't know that- he just knew she needed a blessing but couldn't squeeze it in due to his tight schedule - he was only in town for two days and had lots of meetings. He felt very antsy about not seeing her and finally decided despite the long trek to her home and his meetings, he would make it happen. He arrived late and gave her the desired blessing and she passed a way 4 days later. He then quoted the scripture from Christ himself "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not". Those were the words I heard as I turned Taylor away. Jarom heard it too- we both kind of laughed and I told her to grab a blanket and make a bed on the floor by me.

 Since then I have thought about this so much. It popped into my mind tonight as I was putting the kids to bed and caused me to take an extra 30 minutes telling them stories about when I was young and singing Mally three songs instead of 1 quick rendition. It gave me patience with my girls when they wanted to act out how Taylor's night terrors used to be and make each other laugh just one more time. It helped me to listen better to Jack when he wasn't feeling good and give him more empathy. I actually didn't realize how much I was shunning the kids at times. Sometimes what I think is discipline and teaching autonomy is really laziness on my part or perhaps a little selfishness (ok a lot sometimes). I know I don't need to drop everything for my kids any second they need me - and "forbid them not" doesn't mean they shouldn't be reprimanded at times or encouraged to do things independently- but they are our purpose. Everyone on earth was a child and is raising the next generation, whether they have children or not. What is more important than giving of our time and talents (attention, love, kindness, gentleness, empathy) to children?

Tonight Mally was just being so cute grabbing my face and kissing it and being so silly. I felt a pain in my heart. She is most likely our last and I can't imagine a world without a little 2 year old's arms around my neck. I am kind of sick to my stomach over it every time I think of it. And no matter how much anyone told me to "cherish those days" when I had my three olders all so close together and all needing so much- I still wished them away. I wished for days when they could talk to me and be my buddies. I'm not going to lie- I love older kids- but oh those two-year-old arms. It brought me to a realization- is this really the only time in our eternal existence we will get this? Will we only raise this earthly family and feel this joy once? I have often heard of parents who have lost children in infancy being able to raise them in the Millenium, but what about those of us who were fortunate to have had healthy babies and are raising them now? I'm not complaining- I know I can't comprehend what joy lays in store for me. But if this is the only time with those two-year old arms- oh man I want to cherish this more. I want to drop everything and build a lego castle- or climb in to bed and read Harry Potter with British voices. These kids - all kids- are everything. I don't want to get so caught up in my job, my calling, housework, friends, planning vacations, dreaming of the future and making cool stuff happen and forget to look at my kids in the eyes. To make them know they are the most important thing along with God and my husband.

My mom is great at making children feel important and loved. One fruit of her labor is she gets to be everyone's nurse on Sunday nights when we all get together. They all like to come to Lala for every scab, scrape, spot or no spot so she can give them some words of empathy and advice (and most of all attention). My grandpa was also wonderful at this. He always sat in his big comfy chair and never once did he turn me away when I would come lay my at first tiny little body and then later my huge long body across his lap so he would scratch my back and tell me stories. He held a Saturday night dance for all the youth in the stake. He was there every single Saturday night. Everyone called him Uncle Chuck. He made everyone feel like family. I am lucky to have such wonderful examples in my life.

So as school starts, and all the hustle, I am determined to slow down when I need to, despite the consequence, and really listen. Not only to my kids, but to my high school kids, to the youth in my ward, all the kids in my life. All good things come with sacrifice. If I need to sacrifice that free time, that nap or my butt being on a couch for a second, Even when they are being annoying or mean or sassy. I hope I can take the time to teach rather than to yell or hide ha! I hope I have the energy to do it! And to remember why I'm here! I want my kids to know how much I love and think about and pray for them. Lets all raise each others kids and do it with intent and care.

My Cure for Anxiety part 2

The time that has passed since I last wrote on this could never surmount to the blessings and wisdom that have come into my life as of late. I feel knowledge being poured into me, probably undeserving at times and I often think how much more I would be receiving if I was better about my Gospel study. Christmas Eve I started getting sick. What was supposed to be a minor cold lasted for soooo long... I couldn't breathe! It was horrible, especially with my anxiety I was still battling! I dreaded the night because I knew it was at its worse (both breathing and anxiety). I developed a severe pain on my left side (from pleuricy and a rib out). It got so bad that on February 14th (Valentines Day) I went to the ER with Jarom. They admitted me since they saw pneumonia in my lungs on the CT scan. I was sad to leave the kids but had not idea this would be such a healing experience for me.

My extreme anxiety (I had battled it before but not to the level I was currently experiencing) had begun after my bad experience with the miscarriage of our 4th pregnancy. (before Mally) It continued throughout Mallory's pregnancy and my worst fear was surrounding my health and leaving my family. When Mallory was born I thought it would get way better! It did for a little bit but that darkness returned not too long after and I had my good days and bad days. A doctor had prescribed me anxiety meds but I hadn't wanted to take them, I didn't want to be tired (they caused drowsiness) and I didn't want to become reliant on them so I suffered through. Things like the temple, movies, anywhere where I felt a little trapped and like it would be embarrassing to pass out or something incited a racing heart and all kinds of thoughts. I withdrew from people I love because I didn't want to be outside my house that much and my thoughts were surrounded around myself, MY anxiety level, MY health, etc... I am pretty self aware and knew this kind of living was destructive but I felt pretty trapped. When me and Jarom took a vacation to Hawaii for our tenth wedding anniversary I was so anxious on the plane, I was struggling. Once we got there I spent a lot of early mornings staring out at the ocean on the balcony trying to convince myself I was recovered or that this trip was going to help me recover. It was a step in the right direction for sure but unfortunately I was just as anxious on the plane ride home as I was on the plane ride there. I just DID NOT want to go through the motions with my anxiety. I didn't want to keep it all in but I didn't want to talk about it too much either. I just wanted to be healed. I was basically impatient as heck.

Fast forward back to my pneumonia/asthma/hospital stay... while I was there some amazing things happened. I HAD to be there. I had to stay in my most feared place. I HAD to stop being afraid. The first night I was literally shaking as they wheeled me down to get a CT scan. The man who was doing it was so professional and smart and the Spirit comforted me in a peculiar way. I started to focus on how amazing the hospital was and all of its educated employees. I started to think about my own husband attending to patients needs and using his knowledge to help relieve their suffering. In that moment I changed my view of the hospital completely. I was in there for 3 days. I had so many wonderful visitors that reminded me that though I had kind of withdrawn myself, I truly have a lot of people who love and care for me and my family. Finally, the culminating thought that I've been clinging to ever since I left was simply that of letting go. The fact is I have NO CONTROL over when I am going to die. It could be tomorrow. I could leave my husband to raise my four babies. I could just be a memory for them until the eternities. As completely sad as that is to me, my knowledge of the Gospel makes me feel secure that all would be well. Every day I can wake up knowing my life is in His hands. His will be done. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He knows what I want more than anything in this entire world is to stay on earth to raise my family. But if He knows better... His will be done. I think about the 3 Nephites, their desire to stay on the Earth. I couldn't help but believe that He DOES take our desires into consideration. But should He know better... His will be done. People say mental health can not be cured with the scripture reading and Gospel learning. I tend to agree. Professional help is a key for some to recovery. I believe my anxiety was perhaps just a fraction of what some go through. Maybe it was just a taste to help me to understand those who experience it and help them. Interesting enough, Taylor came home from school one day and said she "can't breathe" while she is at school. Kindergarten. Maybe I needed to go through this for her? I don't know. I love her so much I would do it ten times over if it helped her. I've incorporated a new phrase in my prayers since this all happened- "please teach me Father". I have  noticed that when this phrase is coupled with sincere desire and an open willing mind, He is able to do just that. Teach me why I have this, teach me how to get over it, teach me how to help others get over it... Teach me.

Truth is anxiety is such a dark place. Here are things that help me
1. facing my fear (at the hospital), seeing the beauty in my fear (technology, science, brains etc...)
2. letting go (its God's will I desire after all) but still praying for my desire in great faith that He knows what's best and He, just like us, desires to give His children what they long for as long as those desires are righteous and will bring about His plan for them and for His Gospel.
3. (and here is where I get more tactical and less spiritual) Focus on the PRESENT. You can do nothing about the past or future. Worrying about either are completely pointless. Pondering on them is different. If you worry about what MIGHT happen, you miss out on what's currently happening. Lets say I start to worry about the fact that I can't clear my throat and I have a cough starting. Those are minor symptoms. I focus on the fact that I CURRENTLY have a cough. I try hard not to think too much about what may result from this cough, if my pneumonia is back, if I am going to get really sick, give it to my kids etc... I focus only on relieving that sore throat. Outside of medical concerns, I take one problem, solve it and move on keeping a positive attitude.
4. Get up and get moving! (if I'm able) if at all possible I try to get moving if I'm feeling anxious. Nights are the hardest for this.
5. Remembering who I am and that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. How can that not sound cliché? It means so much though! Does Heavenly Father really want me to be in the fetal position in a mental health hospital the rest of my life? Heck no I know He doesn't. He wants me out there, helping His work move forward. If I think about that it helps give me courage. No matter where I am at in my journey of overcoming my issues, He needs me well, He will help me get well. He will help me help others to get well if I trust Him.  I know that.
6. Think of the WORST that could happen right in that moment you are fearing and embrace it! (at the movies- I could fall down and have a seizure and wake up with everyone around me videoing it and putting it on Instagram! - which would never happen- but say to yourself- ok I can live with that! At church- singing in the choir and I pass out on top of the Bishop and my dress flies over my head- horrifying right? haha but I would get through it! And learn to laugh about it!)  I can be humiliated- I can have the worst circumstance of everyone! I can lose everything, I can face my worst fear. I will live! The Savior had not a place to lay His head- He was brought in to this world in such humble circumstances- even His very conception brought ridicule. His name was "common"- His living meager- He was of the lowliest on Earth. I can handle anything because He has been through it! He has been humiliated, rejected, scorned. He has suffered through something (in the Garden) that I can't even begin to comprehend. Causing blood to come from every pore- I can't imagine any symptom I could have in this life comparing to that which He suffered. Yet He did not let Satan's lie of fear creep in His life. He suffered it perfectly. Then the Spirit withdrew. He called out for it to return. "Why hast thou forsaken me?" He pleaded for it to return. Ok so  follow Christ... another cliché comment... but so life-changing to truly ponder the ideal.

BEST SCRIPTURES FOR ANXIETY- found in the Sermon on the Mount
Matthew 6: 25-34- when I'm feeling nervous- consider the lilies! They toil not yet they grow! "Take no thought of your life!"

Since I went through these life-changing experiences- I have felt truly healed. Do I still feel anxiety creep up? Heck yeah. I think that is in my very DNA. But anxiety has become more of a little child in my life that I can contain, that I can rock to sleep... that sounds weird but so true. Its not a huge scary monster anymore.  It begins and I tell myself- consider the lilies. He's got me.

My Cure for Anxiety

I haven't written in a while, I don't even know where I was in my life last time I wrote! But I had to write. I feel like I've been shown some "secrets to happiness" lately and I need to write them down not only for me to remember them, but for my posterity and anyone who may need these same thoughts to help them someday.

I've been struggling with anxiety. My fixation or obsession is thoughts that I'm going to die. Its silly really, I mean I have a strong testimony and I know whats on the other side! I know my family will be together forever! I know Heavenly Father would bless my family on earth if I did die! So there is no reason to have such anxiety and fear! But anxiety is hard to talk yourself through sometimes. It's hard to believe yourself even if all of your logic is in tact. I'm starting to believe that I've been "logicing" the wrong ideas. There is an underlining reason for my anxiety. And that realization has helped me so much this week. The anxiety still comes at time but to begin to understand the underlying reason is... just freedom! Now as I use my logic when anxiety creeps up, it actually works pretty well because its the true source.

The lights turned on when my mom was talking about my brother Travis. Here he is about to get engaged to the love of his life and he was a nervous wreck. His fear was that this was too good to be true. He just didn't have faith in happiness. Then I started to think about Selle who has somewhat extreme anxiety regarding his kids. So worried about something terrible happening. As I was reasoning this with my mom it hit me. Losing our dad, someone we loved sooooo much, someone we worshiped... and having no control over that, knowing that my mom was so innocent, we were so innocent yet so so so hurt really did cause some damage. I mean we like to think we got through it unscathed... but we didn't. That kind of hurt has to have collateral damage. But as I read the scripures, as I listen to conference talks, as I learn the very nature of God, attend the temple and listen to lessons on our purpose here on earth, I feel that the very goal of our Heavenly Father is to OVERCOME trials. To grow from them. To be happy. Period.

True happiness does exist!

For some reason this little lesson has started a domino of other "epiphanies" "aha moments" etc... I have been asking the Lord to teach me each day (days I remember) and I believe he is doing just that. For instance, I went to the antique mall with Rachel and Taylor. It took longer than it should have and normally I would be a complete nervous wreck. But the thought came to me, I have good intentions, I have no control over the situation, so just enjoy the time/conversation with my sister and be happy!

I had to go to the basketball game tonight- I don't like leaving my family. But I took Tuesday off to be with them, they know I love them, I fed them dinner, so go to the game and just be happy!

I have tried to control others happiness for so long. Hmmm... someone trying to force people to be happy... sounds a lot like Satan LOL! All I can control is my effort and love towards others. I can't control how they react or feel. What a freeing of freedom to start believing that and acting upon it. I would never want to tip the balance the other way and become so guilt-free that I lose responsibility and priorities. I want to do ALL I can, ALL within my power and make every effort to love, teach, spend quality time, self-analyze, make adjustments, try harder etc... and then just choose to be happy! Choose to enjoy the moment!

I can't live life waiting for compliments, waiting for people to approve of me, waiting for happy reactions to all I do and say. All I can do is be me, love, stay close to the Spirit and keep trying. Choose. Choose to be happy. Those in my life have that same decision to make and I really have nothing to do with that.

I love life and don't want to spend the rest of it guilt-ridden, angry, and controlling.

ADDENDUM TO THIS POST- I originally wrote this on 2/4/16 I didn't realize that 10 days later I would be admitted to the hospital for pneumonia and would have a life-changing experience that would give me all the tools to cure my anxiety for good.