This holiday break was like no other... I am still processing all that happened and how I feel but I thought I should put my thoughts down while they are fresh on my mind. December 23rd I woke up early and took a pregnancy test- I hadn't realized I was pretty late until that day! Ever since we got married we have thought we wanted five kids. When Mal was born we tried for a 5th right away. One night as I was having a particularly rough time putting Tay to bed, I had this feeling come over me. You may be thinking.. we all have those feelings when chaos is present... the ones that say I can't do any more than this because its already chaotic. It was so much more thought- it felt like a warning. I just had this feeling that I needed to focus on getting my current house in order. When I told Jarom about  how I was feeling, he immediately agreed that we needed to slow down and enjoy the kids we have. Fast forward almost three more years with happy and hard times of trying to accomplish the aforementioned, back to the 23rd, it was POSITIVE. What the heck? I was stunned. We hadn't been trying, we had started to think we were done! I had to wrap my mind around this! I showed Jarom and we kind of laugh/cried for a sec (ok he was laughing and I was crying and laughing at the same time). He was super comforting saying we always wanted this, it must be meant to be, we can do this etc... It didn't take us long to get used to the idea and start thinking of names and what ifs... we were going to tell the kids on Christmas morning.

Christmas Eve night I started to spot and cramp which are signs of a miscarriage. Me and Jarom decided to hold off on telling the kids on Christmas since it might end in disappointment. We had a great Christmas. The next day we called Dr. Beck's office to get an appointment to see what was going on. We told our parents and my sisters so they could be a support to us. We went in on that Thursday and had an ultrasound. Low and behold there was a little heart beating! Ok now we were hooked on the idea of our fifth little baby! Even though there was still very much a risk (and I would find out later that Jarom, who is an ultrasound tech, noticed that the yolk sack was abnormally large which he believed to be an issue) we decided to tell our close loved ones and ask them to pray! The doc told me to stay down and just rest. We decided we would also tell our kids what was going on so they could be extra mindful and helpful. When we told them of course Jack wanted a bro so bad! Tay was so excited! Lydi seemed a little awkward (I figured it was just her age) and Mal, well she was just Mal smiling and being silly and probably didn't really get it. We told them that the pregnancy was in a little bit of danger and to help out and pray for the baby.

I continued to have miscarriage symptoms for 11 days. On Friday January 4th I got out of the car and felt something so I ran to the bathroom and then it happened. Normally a miscarriage at 7 weeks passes pretty easily and though its heart-wrenching, it is not particularly dangerous. So many things happened for my protection and I recognize so fully the divine help through willing people. Here is my tender mercy list and then I will give more detail to what happened:

First, my mom. She came to help take control of the situation. Enough said,  moms are everything.
Second, friends. I was supposed to take Taylor to my friend Kimber's house and then she was going to take our girls to basketball, I was forced into telling her right then what was going on. Normally I wouldn't say right while it is happening, out of perhaps embarrassment or worry that the person would feel obligated to help etc... but I had to! She was the perfect person to tell! Even though she had a practice to coach at, and she was late for it, she scooped up all my kids (even the one little Mal that was crying from a stomach ache and my nephew I was watching) and got them in her car, took them to her house and got her family involved in feeding them waffles and making them feel ok.
Third, experience. I had a miscarriage turn into a nightmare four years ago. I wasn't about to repeat that mistake! With me and my mom putting our heads together, and as I kept bleeding what seemed to be more than a normal miscarriage, we called the doc.
Fourth, doctor. I always knew I liked my doctor. Calm, reliable, sure and steady. But now I will sing his praises forever. This was a Friday at 6pm, we had to call the on-call doc and it just so happened it was MY doctor. That alone was a huge relief since he knows what was going on with me already. We explained the amount of bleeding and reminded him of my history. He explained what a normal amount would be, when that didn't match up he had me meet him in his office. He said he wanted to help me avoid the hospital, as it was packed from flu patients and I would probably end up losing a lot more blood. My mom drove me and we met Jarom, just coming from work, and Dr. Beck at his office. During the drive I just tried to stay calm but I could feel myself losing lots more blood and my teeth were chattering like crazy. Remember this was on  Friday night at 7pm- he totally didn't have to do this but he met us at his office, turned the lights on and performed a D and C on his table. There was nothing to help with the pain so it was quite a terrible 10 minutes (felt like an hour). As soon as he was done I was overcome with so many emotions. As I laid my head on Jarom still on the table and cried the words "I can't do this anymore" came out. I felt that truth. For the first time in forever I felt done.
Seems like such a sad way to end a decade of bringing life into this world! When I was still pregnant, I felt strongly that if we lost it, we would try again. But to lose it in dramatic fashion again, I hadn't thought of that... my memories came flooding back of the effects of losing my last pregnancy and almost my life.
Comparing what I had been through before to this experience brought so much enlightenment and though it may seem that those words came from fear... and I can't really express adequately why not... they truly didn't. It was simply a declaration that what Heavenly Father has blessed me with is enough. He has given me for beautiful children, a wonderful man for a husband and has spared my life more than once. I am enough - I can be refined with these four babies and provide them with a happy full life, even though my goal was 5. this experience in comparison with my last miscarriage also enlightened my mind as to how far i have come in my mental fitness. As feelings of anxiety started to surface, my continual "mind exercises" such as: 1- admitting to myself I was felling fear and anxiety and not trying to mask it, 2- remembering that the Lord has a plan and even if that included me going back to my Heavenly home right now, all things would be for my good and the good of my family, 3- breathing, meditating, letting people comfort me etc... it didn't get the better of me this time. I am so grateful. I am so grateful I have the tools to overcome. I am grateful for my little bean with a heartbeat and if I get to be his/her mother in the next life- I will cherish it and be the bomb mom... if not I am so grateful for the lessons and peace that have filled my heart since the beating heart entered my life!