I had the absolute greatest beginning to my week! I was on fire with working out, studying scriptures, getting stuff done, eating healthy, organizing, being a very intentional and patient mom... and then by Friday I was eating cheetoes for a snack, not making it to the gym, exhausted, in a grouchy mood, and feeling the weight of the world! How does this happen in ONE WEEK? So I'm going to analyze this puppy out so I can figure it out- I'm determined.
So any good detective looks for clues and follows their gut to solve a mystery (lets go Walt Longmire style) .
Sunday and Monday Nights:
- prepped for the next day with list, a plan and stuff laid out
- in bed before 10- watched a show but asleep by 11
Monday and Tuesday morning:
- both next mornings- went to the gym at 5:15am
- listened to a talk on the way and read some scriptures later that day
- scriptures with the fam before school
- mind stayed focused all day and got lots done
- took a small power nap at 11am before work on Tuesday
Tuesday Night:
- In bed fairly early, watched more tv, fell asleep watching it
Wednesday
- woke up feeling sore,
- Scriptures with the fam
-went to an 8:45 Piyo class that I loved!
- Forgot to listen to a talk
- wasted some time on my phone
Wednesday Night
- marathoned Longmire with Jarom (like 3 episodes) went to bed super late!
- zero prep for Thursday
Thursday Morning
- got up SO reluctantly after 5 alarms
- quick rushed scriptures
- almost late to school
- no work out
Thursday Night
- went to Walmart with the kids for Mal's bday and had fun but got home at 9:15pm
-in bed around 11, prepared a tiny bit for Friday (made a grocery list)
Friday
- no work out
- scriptures with the kids was good, but didn't get to mine until night and was only awake enough to read a couple verses.
- lots of time , feeling entitled to be lazy after a "rough week"
- feeling entitled to bad food because of having ate so good this week
- feeling grumpy and tired and mad at the world ha!
As I'm recalling my week, its pretty clear what has happened-
My fortifications to having a great day:
- spiritual nourishment (scriptures, prayer, service)
- physical nourishment (good food, exercise, power naps, early bed time, early wake time)
- planning! (if you fail to plan, you plan to fail right?!)
I honestly thought I was mentally and physically exhausted because of outside sources! I had a rough week at work with a few different things going that have taken their toll. Sure, this could add to my stress level but I can't help but to think, what if I had continued on the course I had set out upon early in my week? Would I be better equipped to handle any issue that comes my way? I am pretty certain I would.
**"temperate- showing moderation or self-restraint
We are asked to be temperate in all things. So 1 episode- great! 3- no Bueno. Practicing self-restraint by sticking to a schedule that will ensure that I am at my greatest possible capacity each day is temperance at its finest. If I have that clear mind, I can take on the world!
I'm not beating myself up too bad- this tends to happen lots in my life and I'm so so grateful for Sundays- a time to reflect, a time to rest, to repent and to make commitments to do better! It seems Heavenly Father knew we would screw up by Fridays!
I just have to keep trying to put first things first and to be a little better each week!
Saturday, July 29, 2017
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Suffer the Little Children to Come Unto Me and Forbid Them Not
Last Sunday I was watching something on my phone when Taylor, my 6 year old, came in "scared" and wanting to sleep in me and Jarom's bed. Just as I was telling her to go get in bed NNOOOOWWW... (sounds harsh but she always finds a way out of bed), I heard something from what I was watching and it has stuck with me in more ways than one this week. I was watching a biography of President Thomas S. Monson. He was talking about a time a little girl was diagnosed with incurable cancer and in her final stages. She had prayed that she would get to have a blessing from him specifically. He didn't know that- he just knew she needed a blessing but couldn't squeeze it in due to his tight schedule - he was only in town for two days and had lots of meetings. He felt very antsy about not seeing her and finally decided despite the long trek to her home and his meetings, he would make it happen. He arrived late and gave her the desired blessing and she passed a way 4 days later. He then quoted the scripture from Christ himself "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not". Those were the words I heard as I turned Taylor away. Jarom heard it too- we both kind of laughed and I told her to grab a blanket and make a bed on the floor by me.
Since then I have thought about this so much. It popped into my mind tonight as I was putting the kids to bed and caused me to take an extra 30 minutes telling them stories about when I was young and singing Mally three songs instead of 1 quick rendition. It gave me patience with my girls when they wanted to act out how Taylor's night terrors used to be and make each other laugh just one more time. It helped me to listen better to Jack when he wasn't feeling good and give him more empathy. I actually didn't realize how much I was shunning the kids at times. Sometimes what I think is discipline and teaching autonomy is really laziness on my part or perhaps a little selfishness (ok a lot sometimes). I know I don't need to drop everything for my kids any second they need me - and "forbid them not" doesn't mean they shouldn't be reprimanded at times or encouraged to do things independently- but they are our purpose. Everyone on earth was a child and is raising the next generation, whether they have children or not. What is more important than giving of our time and talents (attention, love, kindness, gentleness, empathy) to children?
Tonight Mally was just being so cute grabbing my face and kissing it and being so silly. I felt a pain in my heart. She is most likely our last and I can't imagine a world without a little 2 year old's arms around my neck. I am kind of sick to my stomach over it every time I think of it. And no matter how much anyone told me to "cherish those days" when I had my three olders all so close together and all needing so much- I still wished them away. I wished for days when they could talk to me and be my buddies. I'm not going to lie- I love older kids- but oh those two-year-old arms. It brought me to a realization- is this really the only time in our eternal existence we will get this? Will we only raise this earthly family and feel this joy once? I have often heard of parents who have lost children in infancy being able to raise them in the Millenium, but what about those of us who were fortunate to have had healthy babies and are raising them now? I'm not complaining- I know I can't comprehend what joy lays in store for me. But if this is the only time with those two-year old arms- oh man I want to cherish this more. I want to drop everything and build a lego castle- or climb in to bed and read Harry Potter with British voices. These kids - all kids- are everything. I don't want to get so caught up in my job, my calling, housework, friends, planning vacations, dreaming of the future and making cool stuff happen and forget to look at my kids in the eyes. To make them know they are the most important thing along with God and my husband.
My mom is great at making children feel important and loved. One fruit of her labor is she gets to be everyone's nurse on Sunday nights when we all get together. They all like to come to Lala for every scab, scrape, spot or no spot so she can give them some words of empathy and advice (and most of all attention). My grandpa was also wonderful at this. He always sat in his big comfy chair and never once did he turn me away when I would come lay my at first tiny little body and then later my huge long body across his lap so he would scratch my back and tell me stories. He held a Saturday night dance for all the youth in the stake. He was there every single Saturday night. Everyone called him Uncle Chuck. He made everyone feel like family. I am lucky to have such wonderful examples in my life.
So as school starts, and all the hustle, I am determined to slow down when I need to, despite the consequence, and really listen. Not only to my kids, but to my high school kids, to the youth in my ward, all the kids in my life. All good things come with sacrifice. If I need to sacrifice that free time, that nap or my butt being on a couch for a second, Even when they are being annoying or mean or sassy. I hope I can take the time to teach rather than to yell or hide ha! I hope I have the energy to do it! And to remember why I'm here! I want my kids to know how much I love and think about and pray for them. Lets all raise each others kids and do it with intent and care.
Since then I have thought about this so much. It popped into my mind tonight as I was putting the kids to bed and caused me to take an extra 30 minutes telling them stories about when I was young and singing Mally three songs instead of 1 quick rendition. It gave me patience with my girls when they wanted to act out how Taylor's night terrors used to be and make each other laugh just one more time. It helped me to listen better to Jack when he wasn't feeling good and give him more empathy. I actually didn't realize how much I was shunning the kids at times. Sometimes what I think is discipline and teaching autonomy is really laziness on my part or perhaps a little selfishness (ok a lot sometimes). I know I don't need to drop everything for my kids any second they need me - and "forbid them not" doesn't mean they shouldn't be reprimanded at times or encouraged to do things independently- but they are our purpose. Everyone on earth was a child and is raising the next generation, whether they have children or not. What is more important than giving of our time and talents (attention, love, kindness, gentleness, empathy) to children?
Tonight Mally was just being so cute grabbing my face and kissing it and being so silly. I felt a pain in my heart. She is most likely our last and I can't imagine a world without a little 2 year old's arms around my neck. I am kind of sick to my stomach over it every time I think of it. And no matter how much anyone told me to "cherish those days" when I had my three olders all so close together and all needing so much- I still wished them away. I wished for days when they could talk to me and be my buddies. I'm not going to lie- I love older kids- but oh those two-year-old arms. It brought me to a realization- is this really the only time in our eternal existence we will get this? Will we only raise this earthly family and feel this joy once? I have often heard of parents who have lost children in infancy being able to raise them in the Millenium, but what about those of us who were fortunate to have had healthy babies and are raising them now? I'm not complaining- I know I can't comprehend what joy lays in store for me. But if this is the only time with those two-year old arms- oh man I want to cherish this more. I want to drop everything and build a lego castle- or climb in to bed and read Harry Potter with British voices. These kids - all kids- are everything. I don't want to get so caught up in my job, my calling, housework, friends, planning vacations, dreaming of the future and making cool stuff happen and forget to look at my kids in the eyes. To make them know they are the most important thing along with God and my husband.
My mom is great at making children feel important and loved. One fruit of her labor is she gets to be everyone's nurse on Sunday nights when we all get together. They all like to come to Lala for every scab, scrape, spot or no spot so she can give them some words of empathy and advice (and most of all attention). My grandpa was also wonderful at this. He always sat in his big comfy chair and never once did he turn me away when I would come lay my at first tiny little body and then later my huge long body across his lap so he would scratch my back and tell me stories. He held a Saturday night dance for all the youth in the stake. He was there every single Saturday night. Everyone called him Uncle Chuck. He made everyone feel like family. I am lucky to have such wonderful examples in my life.
So as school starts, and all the hustle, I am determined to slow down when I need to, despite the consequence, and really listen. Not only to my kids, but to my high school kids, to the youth in my ward, all the kids in my life. All good things come with sacrifice. If I need to sacrifice that free time, that nap or my butt being on a couch for a second, Even when they are being annoying or mean or sassy. I hope I can take the time to teach rather than to yell or hide ha! I hope I have the energy to do it! And to remember why I'm here! I want my kids to know how much I love and think about and pray for them. Lets all raise each others kids and do it with intent and care.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
My Cure for Anxiety part 2
The time that has passed since I last wrote on this could never surmount to the blessings and wisdom that have come into my life as of late. I feel knowledge being poured into me, probably undeserving at times and I often think how much more I would be receiving if I was better about my Gospel study. Christmas Eve I started getting sick. What was supposed to be a minor cold lasted for soooo long... I couldn't breathe! It was horrible, especially with my anxiety I was still battling! I dreaded the night because I knew it was at its worse (both breathing and anxiety). I developed a severe pain on my left side (from pleuricy and a rib out). It got so bad that on February 14th (Valentines Day) I went to the ER with Jarom. They admitted me since they saw pneumonia in my lungs on the CT scan. I was sad to leave the kids but had not idea this would be such a healing experience for me.
My extreme anxiety (I had battled it before but not to the level I was currently experiencing) had begun after my bad experience with the miscarriage of our 4th pregnancy. (before Mally) It continued throughout Mallory's pregnancy and my worst fear was surrounding my health and leaving my family. When Mallory was born I thought it would get way better! It did for a little bit but that darkness returned not too long after and I had my good days and bad days. A doctor had prescribed me anxiety meds but I hadn't wanted to take them, I didn't want to be tired (they caused drowsiness) and I didn't want to become reliant on them so I suffered through. Things like the temple, movies, anywhere where I felt a little trapped and like it would be embarrassing to pass out or something incited a racing heart and all kinds of thoughts. I withdrew from people I love because I didn't want to be outside my house that much and my thoughts were surrounded around myself, MY anxiety level, MY health, etc... I am pretty self aware and knew this kind of living was destructive but I felt pretty trapped. When me and Jarom took a vacation to Hawaii for our tenth wedding anniversary I was so anxious on the plane, I was struggling. Once we got there I spent a lot of early mornings staring out at the ocean on the balcony trying to convince myself I was recovered or that this trip was going to help me recover. It was a step in the right direction for sure but unfortunately I was just as anxious on the plane ride home as I was on the plane ride there. I just DID NOT want to go through the motions with my anxiety. I didn't want to keep it all in but I didn't want to talk about it too much either. I just wanted to be healed. I was basically impatient as heck.
Fast forward back to my pneumonia/asthma/hospital stay... while I was there some amazing things happened. I HAD to be there. I had to stay in my most feared place. I HAD to stop being afraid. The first night I was literally shaking as they wheeled me down to get a CT scan. The man who was doing it was so professional and smart and the Spirit comforted me in a peculiar way. I started to focus on how amazing the hospital was and all of its educated employees. I started to think about my own husband attending to patients needs and using his knowledge to help relieve their suffering. In that moment I changed my view of the hospital completely. I was in there for 3 days. I had so many wonderful visitors that reminded me that though I had kind of withdrawn myself, I truly have a lot of people who love and care for me and my family. Finally, the culminating thought that I've been clinging to ever since I left was simply that of letting go. The fact is I have NO CONTROL over when I am going to die. It could be tomorrow. I could leave my husband to raise my four babies. I could just be a memory for them until the eternities. As completely sad as that is to me, my knowledge of the Gospel makes me feel secure that all would be well. Every day I can wake up knowing my life is in His hands. His will be done. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He knows what I want more than anything in this entire world is to stay on earth to raise my family. But if He knows better... His will be done. I think about the 3 Nephites, their desire to stay on the Earth. I couldn't help but believe that He DOES take our desires into consideration. But should He know better... His will be done. People say mental health can not be cured with the scripture reading and Gospel learning. I tend to agree. Professional help is a key for some to recovery. I believe my anxiety was perhaps just a fraction of what some go through. Maybe it was just a taste to help me to understand those who experience it and help them. Interesting enough, Taylor came home from school one day and said she "can't breathe" while she is at school. Kindergarten. Maybe I needed to go through this for her? I don't know. I love her so much I would do it ten times over if it helped her. I've incorporated a new phrase in my prayers since this all happened- "please teach me Father". I have noticed that when this phrase is coupled with sincere desire and an open willing mind, He is able to do just that. Teach me why I have this, teach me how to get over it, teach me how to help others get over it... Teach me.
Truth is anxiety is such a dark place. Here are things that help me
1. facing my fear (at the hospital), seeing the beauty in my fear (technology, science, brains etc...)
2. letting go (its God's will I desire after all) but still praying for my desire in great faith that He knows what's best and He, just like us, desires to give His children what they long for as long as those desires are righteous and will bring about His plan for them and for His Gospel.
3. (and here is where I get more tactical and less spiritual) Focus on the PRESENT. You can do nothing about the past or future. Worrying about either are completely pointless. Pondering on them is different. If you worry about what MIGHT happen, you miss out on what's currently happening. Lets say I start to worry about the fact that I can't clear my throat and I have a cough starting. Those are minor symptoms. I focus on the fact that I CURRENTLY have a cough. I try hard not to think too much about what may result from this cough, if my pneumonia is back, if I am going to get really sick, give it to my kids etc... I focus only on relieving that sore throat. Outside of medical concerns, I take one problem, solve it and move on keeping a positive attitude.
4. Get up and get moving! (if I'm able) if at all possible I try to get moving if I'm feeling anxious. Nights are the hardest for this.
5. Remembering who I am and that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. How can that not sound cliché? It means so much though! Does Heavenly Father really want me to be in the fetal position in a mental health hospital the rest of my life? Heck no I know He doesn't. He wants me out there, helping His work move forward. If I think about that it helps give me courage. No matter where I am at in my journey of overcoming my issues, He needs me well, He will help me get well. He will help me help others to get well if I trust Him. I know that.
6. Think of the WORST that could happen right in that moment you are fearing and embrace it! (at the movies- I could fall down and have a seizure and wake up with everyone around me videoing it and putting it on Instagram! - which would never happen- but say to yourself- ok I can live with that! At church- singing in the choir and I pass out on top of the Bishop and my dress flies over my head- horrifying right? haha but I would get through it! And learn to laugh about it!) I can be humiliated- I can have the worst circumstance of everyone! I can lose everything, I can face my worst fear. I will live! The Savior had not a place to lay His head- He was brought in to this world in such humble circumstances- even His very conception brought ridicule. His name was "common"- His living meager- He was of the lowliest on Earth. I can handle anything because He has been through it! He has been humiliated, rejected, scorned. He has suffered through something (in the Garden) that I can't even begin to comprehend. Causing blood to come from every pore- I can't imagine any symptom I could have in this life comparing to that which He suffered. Yet He did not let Satan's lie of fear creep in His life. He suffered it perfectly. Then the Spirit withdrew. He called out for it to return. "Why hast thou forsaken me?" He pleaded for it to return. Ok so follow Christ... another cliché comment... but so life-changing to truly ponder the ideal.
BEST SCRIPTURES FOR ANXIETY- found in the Sermon on the Mount
Matthew 6: 25-34- when I'm feeling nervous- consider the lilies! They toil not yet they grow! "Take no thought of your life!"
Since I went through these life-changing experiences- I have felt truly healed. Do I still feel anxiety creep up? Heck yeah. I think that is in my very DNA. But anxiety has become more of a little child in my life that I can contain, that I can rock to sleep... that sounds weird but so true. Its not a huge scary monster anymore. It begins and I tell myself- consider the lilies. He's got me.
My extreme anxiety (I had battled it before but not to the level I was currently experiencing) had begun after my bad experience with the miscarriage of our 4th pregnancy. (before Mally) It continued throughout Mallory's pregnancy and my worst fear was surrounding my health and leaving my family. When Mallory was born I thought it would get way better! It did for a little bit but that darkness returned not too long after and I had my good days and bad days. A doctor had prescribed me anxiety meds but I hadn't wanted to take them, I didn't want to be tired (they caused drowsiness) and I didn't want to become reliant on them so I suffered through. Things like the temple, movies, anywhere where I felt a little trapped and like it would be embarrassing to pass out or something incited a racing heart and all kinds of thoughts. I withdrew from people I love because I didn't want to be outside my house that much and my thoughts were surrounded around myself, MY anxiety level, MY health, etc... I am pretty self aware and knew this kind of living was destructive but I felt pretty trapped. When me and Jarom took a vacation to Hawaii for our tenth wedding anniversary I was so anxious on the plane, I was struggling. Once we got there I spent a lot of early mornings staring out at the ocean on the balcony trying to convince myself I was recovered or that this trip was going to help me recover. It was a step in the right direction for sure but unfortunately I was just as anxious on the plane ride home as I was on the plane ride there. I just DID NOT want to go through the motions with my anxiety. I didn't want to keep it all in but I didn't want to talk about it too much either. I just wanted to be healed. I was basically impatient as heck.
Fast forward back to my pneumonia/asthma/hospital stay... while I was there some amazing things happened. I HAD to be there. I had to stay in my most feared place. I HAD to stop being afraid. The first night I was literally shaking as they wheeled me down to get a CT scan. The man who was doing it was so professional and smart and the Spirit comforted me in a peculiar way. I started to focus on how amazing the hospital was and all of its educated employees. I started to think about my own husband attending to patients needs and using his knowledge to help relieve their suffering. In that moment I changed my view of the hospital completely. I was in there for 3 days. I had so many wonderful visitors that reminded me that though I had kind of withdrawn myself, I truly have a lot of people who love and care for me and my family. Finally, the culminating thought that I've been clinging to ever since I left was simply that of letting go. The fact is I have NO CONTROL over when I am going to die. It could be tomorrow. I could leave my husband to raise my four babies. I could just be a memory for them until the eternities. As completely sad as that is to me, my knowledge of the Gospel makes me feel secure that all would be well. Every day I can wake up knowing my life is in His hands. His will be done. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He knows what I want more than anything in this entire world is to stay on earth to raise my family. But if He knows better... His will be done. I think about the 3 Nephites, their desire to stay on the Earth. I couldn't help but believe that He DOES take our desires into consideration. But should He know better... His will be done. People say mental health can not be cured with the scripture reading and Gospel learning. I tend to agree. Professional help is a key for some to recovery. I believe my anxiety was perhaps just a fraction of what some go through. Maybe it was just a taste to help me to understand those who experience it and help them. Interesting enough, Taylor came home from school one day and said she "can't breathe" while she is at school. Kindergarten. Maybe I needed to go through this for her? I don't know. I love her so much I would do it ten times over if it helped her. I've incorporated a new phrase in my prayers since this all happened- "please teach me Father". I have noticed that when this phrase is coupled with sincere desire and an open willing mind, He is able to do just that. Teach me why I have this, teach me how to get over it, teach me how to help others get over it... Teach me.
Truth is anxiety is such a dark place. Here are things that help me
1. facing my fear (at the hospital), seeing the beauty in my fear (technology, science, brains etc...)
2. letting go (its God's will I desire after all) but still praying for my desire in great faith that He knows what's best and He, just like us, desires to give His children what they long for as long as those desires are righteous and will bring about His plan for them and for His Gospel.
3. (and here is where I get more tactical and less spiritual) Focus on the PRESENT. You can do nothing about the past or future. Worrying about either are completely pointless. Pondering on them is different. If you worry about what MIGHT happen, you miss out on what's currently happening. Lets say I start to worry about the fact that I can't clear my throat and I have a cough starting. Those are minor symptoms. I focus on the fact that I CURRENTLY have a cough. I try hard not to think too much about what may result from this cough, if my pneumonia is back, if I am going to get really sick, give it to my kids etc... I focus only on relieving that sore throat. Outside of medical concerns, I take one problem, solve it and move on keeping a positive attitude.
4. Get up and get moving! (if I'm able) if at all possible I try to get moving if I'm feeling anxious. Nights are the hardest for this.
5. Remembering who I am and that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. How can that not sound cliché? It means so much though! Does Heavenly Father really want me to be in the fetal position in a mental health hospital the rest of my life? Heck no I know He doesn't. He wants me out there, helping His work move forward. If I think about that it helps give me courage. No matter where I am at in my journey of overcoming my issues, He needs me well, He will help me get well. He will help me help others to get well if I trust Him. I know that.
6. Think of the WORST that could happen right in that moment you are fearing and embrace it! (at the movies- I could fall down and have a seizure and wake up with everyone around me videoing it and putting it on Instagram! - which would never happen- but say to yourself- ok I can live with that! At church- singing in the choir and I pass out on top of the Bishop and my dress flies over my head- horrifying right? haha but I would get through it! And learn to laugh about it!) I can be humiliated- I can have the worst circumstance of everyone! I can lose everything, I can face my worst fear. I will live! The Savior had not a place to lay His head- He was brought in to this world in such humble circumstances- even His very conception brought ridicule. His name was "common"- His living meager- He was of the lowliest on Earth. I can handle anything because He has been through it! He has been humiliated, rejected, scorned. He has suffered through something (in the Garden) that I can't even begin to comprehend. Causing blood to come from every pore- I can't imagine any symptom I could have in this life comparing to that which He suffered. Yet He did not let Satan's lie of fear creep in His life. He suffered it perfectly. Then the Spirit withdrew. He called out for it to return. "Why hast thou forsaken me?" He pleaded for it to return. Ok so follow Christ... another cliché comment... but so life-changing to truly ponder the ideal.
BEST SCRIPTURES FOR ANXIETY- found in the Sermon on the Mount
Matthew 6: 25-34- when I'm feeling nervous- consider the lilies! They toil not yet they grow! "Take no thought of your life!"
Since I went through these life-changing experiences- I have felt truly healed. Do I still feel anxiety creep up? Heck yeah. I think that is in my very DNA. But anxiety has become more of a little child in my life that I can contain, that I can rock to sleep... that sounds weird but so true. Its not a huge scary monster anymore. It begins and I tell myself- consider the lilies. He's got me.
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