Thursday, May 18, 2017

My Cure for Anxiety part 2

The time that has passed since I last wrote on this could never surmount to the blessings and wisdom that have come into my life as of late. I feel knowledge being poured into me, probably undeserving at times and I often think how much more I would be receiving if I was better about my Gospel study. Christmas Eve I started getting sick. What was supposed to be a minor cold lasted for soooo long... I couldn't breathe! It was horrible, especially with my anxiety I was still battling! I dreaded the night because I knew it was at its worse (both breathing and anxiety). I developed a severe pain on my left side (from pleuricy and a rib out). It got so bad that on February 14th (Valentines Day) I went to the ER with Jarom. They admitted me since they saw pneumonia in my lungs on the CT scan. I was sad to leave the kids but had not idea this would be such a healing experience for me.

My extreme anxiety (I had battled it before but not to the level I was currently experiencing) had begun after my bad experience with the miscarriage of our 4th pregnancy. (before Mally) It continued throughout Mallory's pregnancy and my worst fear was surrounding my health and leaving my family. When Mallory was born I thought it would get way better! It did for a little bit but that darkness returned not too long after and I had my good days and bad days. A doctor had prescribed me anxiety meds but I hadn't wanted to take them, I didn't want to be tired (they caused drowsiness) and I didn't want to become reliant on them so I suffered through. Things like the temple, movies, anywhere where I felt a little trapped and like it would be embarrassing to pass out or something incited a racing heart and all kinds of thoughts. I withdrew from people I love because I didn't want to be outside my house that much and my thoughts were surrounded around myself, MY anxiety level, MY health, etc... I am pretty self aware and knew this kind of living was destructive but I felt pretty trapped. When me and Jarom took a vacation to Hawaii for our tenth wedding anniversary I was so anxious on the plane, I was struggling. Once we got there I spent a lot of early mornings staring out at the ocean on the balcony trying to convince myself I was recovered or that this trip was going to help me recover. It was a step in the right direction for sure but unfortunately I was just as anxious on the plane ride home as I was on the plane ride there. I just DID NOT want to go through the motions with my anxiety. I didn't want to keep it all in but I didn't want to talk about it too much either. I just wanted to be healed. I was basically impatient as heck.

Fast forward back to my pneumonia/asthma/hospital stay... while I was there some amazing things happened. I HAD to be there. I had to stay in my most feared place. I HAD to stop being afraid. The first night I was literally shaking as they wheeled me down to get a CT scan. The man who was doing it was so professional and smart and the Spirit comforted me in a peculiar way. I started to focus on how amazing the hospital was and all of its educated employees. I started to think about my own husband attending to patients needs and using his knowledge to help relieve their suffering. In that moment I changed my view of the hospital completely. I was in there for 3 days. I had so many wonderful visitors that reminded me that though I had kind of withdrawn myself, I truly have a lot of people who love and care for me and my family. Finally, the culminating thought that I've been clinging to ever since I left was simply that of letting go. The fact is I have NO CONTROL over when I am going to die. It could be tomorrow. I could leave my husband to raise my four babies. I could just be a memory for them until the eternities. As completely sad as that is to me, my knowledge of the Gospel makes me feel secure that all would be well. Every day I can wake up knowing my life is in His hands. His will be done. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. He knows what I want more than anything in this entire world is to stay on earth to raise my family. But if He knows better... His will be done. I think about the 3 Nephites, their desire to stay on the Earth. I couldn't help but believe that He DOES take our desires into consideration. But should He know better... His will be done. People say mental health can not be cured with the scripture reading and Gospel learning. I tend to agree. Professional help is a key for some to recovery. I believe my anxiety was perhaps just a fraction of what some go through. Maybe it was just a taste to help me to understand those who experience it and help them. Interesting enough, Taylor came home from school one day and said she "can't breathe" while she is at school. Kindergarten. Maybe I needed to go through this for her? I don't know. I love her so much I would do it ten times over if it helped her. I've incorporated a new phrase in my prayers since this all happened- "please teach me Father". I have  noticed that when this phrase is coupled with sincere desire and an open willing mind, He is able to do just that. Teach me why I have this, teach me how to get over it, teach me how to help others get over it... Teach me.

Truth is anxiety is such a dark place. Here are things that help me
1. facing my fear (at the hospital), seeing the beauty in my fear (technology, science, brains etc...)
2. letting go (its God's will I desire after all) but still praying for my desire in great faith that He knows what's best and He, just like us, desires to give His children what they long for as long as those desires are righteous and will bring about His plan for them and for His Gospel.
3. (and here is where I get more tactical and less spiritual) Focus on the PRESENT. You can do nothing about the past or future. Worrying about either are completely pointless. Pondering on them is different. If you worry about what MIGHT happen, you miss out on what's currently happening. Lets say I start to worry about the fact that I can't clear my throat and I have a cough starting. Those are minor symptoms. I focus on the fact that I CURRENTLY have a cough. I try hard not to think too much about what may result from this cough, if my pneumonia is back, if I am going to get really sick, give it to my kids etc... I focus only on relieving that sore throat. Outside of medical concerns, I take one problem, solve it and move on keeping a positive attitude.
4. Get up and get moving! (if I'm able) if at all possible I try to get moving if I'm feeling anxious. Nights are the hardest for this.
5. Remembering who I am and that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. How can that not sound cliché? It means so much though! Does Heavenly Father really want me to be in the fetal position in a mental health hospital the rest of my life? Heck no I know He doesn't. He wants me out there, helping His work move forward. If I think about that it helps give me courage. No matter where I am at in my journey of overcoming my issues, He needs me well, He will help me get well. He will help me help others to get well if I trust Him.  I know that.
6. Think of the WORST that could happen right in that moment you are fearing and embrace it! (at the movies- I could fall down and have a seizure and wake up with everyone around me videoing it and putting it on Instagram! - which would never happen- but say to yourself- ok I can live with that! At church- singing in the choir and I pass out on top of the Bishop and my dress flies over my head- horrifying right? haha but I would get through it! And learn to laugh about it!)  I can be humiliated- I can have the worst circumstance of everyone! I can lose everything, I can face my worst fear. I will live! The Savior had not a place to lay His head- He was brought in to this world in such humble circumstances- even His very conception brought ridicule. His name was "common"- His living meager- He was of the lowliest on Earth. I can handle anything because He has been through it! He has been humiliated, rejected, scorned. He has suffered through something (in the Garden) that I can't even begin to comprehend. Causing blood to come from every pore- I can't imagine any symptom I could have in this life comparing to that which He suffered. Yet He did not let Satan's lie of fear creep in His life. He suffered it perfectly. Then the Spirit withdrew. He called out for it to return. "Why hast thou forsaken me?" He pleaded for it to return. Ok so  follow Christ... another cliché comment... but so life-changing to truly ponder the ideal.

BEST SCRIPTURES FOR ANXIETY- found in the Sermon on the Mount
Matthew 6: 25-34- when I'm feeling nervous- consider the lilies! They toil not yet they grow! "Take no thought of your life!"

Since I went through these life-changing experiences- I have felt truly healed. Do I still feel anxiety creep up? Heck yeah. I think that is in my very DNA. But anxiety has become more of a little child in my life that I can contain, that I can rock to sleep... that sounds weird but so true. Its not a huge scary monster anymore.  It begins and I tell myself- consider the lilies. He's got me.