My Cure for Anxiety

I haven't written in a while, I don't even know where I was in my life last time I wrote! But I had to write. I feel like I've been shown some "secrets to happiness" lately and I need to write them down not only for me to remember them, but for my posterity and anyone who may need these same thoughts to help them someday.

I've been struggling with anxiety. My fixation or obsession is thoughts that I'm going to die. Its silly really, I mean I have a strong testimony and I know whats on the other side! I know my family will be together forever! I know Heavenly Father would bless my family on earth if I did die! So there is no reason to have such anxiety and fear! But anxiety is hard to talk yourself through sometimes. It's hard to believe yourself even if all of your logic is in tact. I'm starting to believe that I've been "logicing" the wrong ideas. There is an underlining reason for my anxiety. And that realization has helped me so much this week. The anxiety still comes at time but to begin to understand the underlying reason is... just freedom! Now as I use my logic when anxiety creeps up, it actually works pretty well because its the true source.

The lights turned on when my mom was talking about my brother Travis. Here he is about to get engaged to the love of his life and he was a nervous wreck. His fear was that this was too good to be true. He just didn't have faith in happiness. Then I started to think about Selle who has somewhat extreme anxiety regarding his kids. So worried about something terrible happening. As I was reasoning this with my mom it hit me. Losing our dad, someone we loved sooooo much, someone we worshiped... and having no control over that, knowing that my mom was so innocent, we were so innocent yet so so so hurt really did cause some damage. I mean we like to think we got through it unscathed... but we didn't. That kind of hurt has to have collateral damage. But as I read the scripures, as I listen to conference talks, as I learn the very nature of God, attend the temple and listen to lessons on our purpose here on earth, I feel that the very goal of our Heavenly Father is to OVERCOME trials. To grow from them. To be happy. Period.

True happiness does exist!

For some reason this little lesson has started a domino of other "epiphanies" "aha moments" etc... I have been asking the Lord to teach me each day (days I remember) and I believe he is doing just that. For instance, I went to the antique mall with Rachel and Taylor. It took longer than it should have and normally I would be a complete nervous wreck. But the thought came to me, I have good intentions, I have no control over the situation, so just enjoy the time/conversation with my sister and be happy!

I had to go to the basketball game tonight- I don't like leaving my family. But I took Tuesday off to be with them, they know I love them, I fed them dinner, so go to the game and just be happy!

I have tried to control others happiness for so long. Hmmm... someone trying to force people to be happy... sounds a lot like Satan LOL! All I can control is my effort and love towards others. I can't control how they react or feel. What a freeing of freedom to start believing that and acting upon it. I would never want to tip the balance the other way and become so guilt-free that I lose responsibility and priorities. I want to do ALL I can, ALL within my power and make every effort to love, teach, spend quality time, self-analyze, make adjustments, try harder etc... and then just choose to be happy! Choose to enjoy the moment!

I can't live life waiting for compliments, waiting for people to approve of me, waiting for happy reactions to all I do and say. All I can do is be me, love, stay close to the Spirit and keep trying. Choose. Choose to be happy. Those in my life have that same decision to make and I really have nothing to do with that.

I love life and don't want to spend the rest of it guilt-ridden, angry, and controlling.

ADDENDUM TO THIS POST- I originally wrote this on 2/4/16 I didn't realize that 10 days later I would be admitted to the hospital for pneumonia and would have a life-changing experience that would give me all the tools to cure my anxiety for good.