A little answer...

I don't know why but I've been feeling kind of out of it and lost lately... I will have a good day or a week of course but the same recurring emptiness and confusion resumes at some point. Perhaps it is especially cumbersome after an event - my mind isn't so distracted so I am able to reflect and feel the depths of it. Its not horrible- I promise.  I just don't feel... clear... I can't keep goals I make for myself, I do subtle self-destructive things for comfort like staying up till 1am every night, watching too much tv and neglecting better activities, not playing with my children as much as I should or focusing on their activities, eating poorly etc etc... we all get in these rutts. I know it will pass. But I write my thoughts down to remember the impression I got  during church and give myself perspective as well as anyone else who may ever read this who is feeling in the same rutt.

Jarom and I got in a little tiff right before church- not really a tiff- just him making an innocent joke, me taking offense, him a little irritated with my sensitivity... you know the same ol'
On my way to church I felt annoyed at my own sensitivity plus annoyed that Jarom just isn't able to give ME what I need. I realized that I have been praying lately to help me with my selfishness. With that realization I realized I again was acting selfishly. Thinking of the things I need and I want and what Jarom isn't giving ME. I drove to Relief Society (we had swapped because Jack was sick) got in and sat down. I saw the lesson was on "You are never alone" and I just knew Heavenly Father was going to speak to me. But I received an impression I didn't expect...

Women shared their very personal experiences on how the Lord has visited them in their afflictions and how they KNEW they weren't alone and the Lord was mindful. Somewhere in the middle of this a quiet impression came that its time. Time to have another baby.

What better way to cure selfishness? It makes sense. I want to of course make this decision with Jarom by my side and he hasn't even heard this from me yet. But I wanted to record how I felt and what I felt was that a new baby would really bless our family. Make us closer... give us perspective... another one to love and care for etc...

I am so grateful for quiet yet distinct impressions and for the Spirit those women broght for me to feel that. I know my rutts will come but if it turns me to the Lord than I know its for good.
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